INSIDE OF ME - ENG

MEMORY OF EMMA

Noah has been staring at this damn photo for an interminable time.
His eyes are lost in space and I do nothing but cry.
I feel betrayed. The trust I was starting to give him again is slowly fading away.
I go back to looking at the photograph, just to make myself feel worse, continuing to ask myself "who is that girl hugging Noah?"
My stomach tightens, noticing how close he holds her to him and seeing the happiness their smiles convey.

He doesn't show any signs of loosening up, so I ask him again.
<<Noah… who is she?!>>
To my question, the only movement he is able to make is to look away from me and from the image I put in front of him.
<<Emma...>> he whispers, and I think I see him upset after saying that name.
I slowly approach him, sitting next to him and I look at him full of suffering.
<<Who is Emma...>> I whisper to him sadly.
Suddenly, I notice that he is crying silently and it disturbs me deeply. I'm starting to think that I will never be able to truly understand him because, every day, I discover there are many, too many things that he is hiding from me.
Manila thought I was capable of being by his side, unfortunately she was wrong. He is capable of doing two things; that of taking me immediately to Heaven and immediately afterwards, to hell. This is Noah, the contrast of two people in the same body.

Noah takes the photo from my hands, starting to caress it with his thumb and that gesture disheartens me even more.
<<She was the only one who changed my life...>> he starts mumbling again. I don't lose sight of his face, even if he still doesn't want to look at me.
<<How… how she was…>>
I have a hard time answering him, because the more I talk, the more broken my voice sounds.
He finds the courage to turn and look at me and now, I can feel all his pain.
<<Emma was my girlfriend. They took her away from me...>> he replies, and his eyes, swollen with sadness, suddenly become dark.
He places the photo on the table in front of the sofa, upside down, so that he can no longer see it.

I can't help but notice the trembling of his hands.
<<Noah, I'm sorry...>> I tell him sadly. Because I don't know what else to say to him, except that I was wrong to intrude into his past like that.
<<You don't have to apologize, it's my fault.  I'm the one who never told you about her. I had to do it, but I never had the courage. It's still too much pain for me. I don't know if I'll ever get over it.>> he says distressed, and I notice a tone of guilt in his voice. Emma was the girl of his life, but it's over tragically and he will probably never forgive himself for that.
So what do I do with you, Noah?

I get lost in that thought but I continue to observe his hands and, tired of seeing them tremble like that, in the end, I choose to take them and hold them with mine.
<<What happened, Noah? You can talk to me, you know that.>>
Maybe mine is more of a plea and a way to help him vent.
I hear his breathing become heavy, while he begins to scrutinize me intensely.
<<Okay.>> he replies exhausted.
<<Emma and I met our first year at Harvard. At the time I was a first-class asshole, typical of the Stumphone type.>> he starts laughing softly, shaking his head downwards. <<She hated me from day one.>> he continues, winking at me and so, I smile.
<<It reminds me of something. I hope you didn't stain her blouse with coffee too!>> I reply jokingly. I finally see him laugh.
<<Haha no, fortunately not! She really hated the way I acted. I was already madly in love with her, almost to the point of looking like an idiot. And, think that she was my exact opposite. A bit like you. You remind me of her a lot, you know that? >> searches my gaze and his eyes are nostalgic right now.
<<Yes, I couldn't help but notice the physical resemblance we have and now, you're telling me that we are also similar temperamentally.>> I reply doubtfully. He nods. <<Well yes, the first time I saw you it was like... seeing her again.>> he explains calmly. And it's precisely this tranquility that saddens me.