𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐐𝐮𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐬

Chapter 40

TW: Thoughts of self-harm and suicide. ⚠️

You are not alone, you are loved, and you will always be loved.

I stared, blankly, at the ceiling, confused, frightened, and anxious.

I could hear ruckus around me, the pattering of several feet, gasps of women, cries, and questions, but I continued staring at nothing. I then felt a hand on my face, caressing my cheek, and tracing my features, and it was soon joined with another hand holding my own, and squeezing it gently. However, I dared not move.

How could I? When I was reliving every bit of horrific memory that crashed into my mind the moment I woke up.

I regretted it, so much. Why did I open my eyes? Why did I remember now? Why couldn't I have stayed ignorant, naive? Why did my brain not erase those memories forever? Why did I see those haunting hazel eyes staring back at me? Why did I hear her annoyingly high pitched voice laughing in my ears? Why did I feel disgusted with myself, with my body? Why did I.. hate myself?

Because I woke up. I woke up, and now, I was horrified. From the moment I woke up, I remembered everything, and now, everything reminded me of her. How she never died no matter how hard I fought, how she belittled me, how she saw me as nothing but an object made for sex, how her hands roamed my body, how her eyes undressed me, how her tongue licked my face, and how she.. smiled at me.

I tried. I tried everything. I used one of my most powerful spells, hell I fucking cloned myself multiple times and attacked her all at once, but nothing! I was fucking pathetic. Every time those moments replayed in my head, all I could think about was the fact that she was always strong enough to kill me in an instant, and that she only chose not to. Even the life that I had right now, the heart that beat in my chest, and the tears that streamed down my face, I owed it all to her, and I hated it.

It felt like I was alive, only because she let me live, and I absolutely hated it.

They won't stop. The voices, the laughing, the staring, the mocking, they won't stop. It kept ringing and ringing and ringing, and I was going crazy.

Suddenly, the ceiling started turning into hazel, and it began to form an exact replica of Madrona's face. I closed my eyes as tightly as I could, but it was still there, she was still there! I opened my eyes, and closed them, and opened, and closed, but she's still there! Madrona was still staring at me, smiling at me, laughing at me, mocking me!

No matter how much I looked away, I saw hazel. No matter how much I tried to hear anything else, I heard her laughter. No matter how much I tried, she haunted me.

She... She should have just killed me. Then I wouldn't be remembering all of these, and she wouldn't be haunting me. I wished she killed me, and I wished I stayed with mother. I didn't want to remember any of this. I hated remembering the moment when I almost died, and I fucking hated my mind for replaying it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again!

I hated it all! I hated her, I hated myself, I hated mother, I hated my mates, I hated my sister, I hated my friends, I hated everyone, I hated this fucking world!

Oh, princess, cheer up, will you?

I gasped and before I knew it, I was already punching myself repeatedly. A hand grabbed my wrist and prevented me from causing more damage, but I kept resisting.

What if Madrona was in my head right now? I didn't want that, I didn't want that, I didn't want that!

I didn't ask for this! I didn't ask for any of this! Please get out of my head! Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out!