As The Pink Blush Appeared....

31.

Manjiri was getting restless. She was trying to find Saanvi but she just vanished into the thin air. Where could Saanvi be, Manjiri wondered. She wanted to leave quickly and lie down on the bed in the attic room which she shared with Saanvi. She thought that Saanvi would be in the dining hall. But how wrong she was!

After serving the food for a while, Saanvi found a secluded corner and rushed towards. No, she couldn't take it anymore. She smiled bitterly and pulled out a cigarette. She did not smoke often and she was well aware of emphysema and COPD, but that day she needed it badly. Manjiri, the only girl who lived rent free in her mind, she realized that she could never be hers. Though Saanvi did not believe in fate or destiny, she thought that whatever existed was cruel. She felt like she was sailing in a shallow sea with her ship having no anchor. She had the sensation of her limbs being amputated. She felt like she was affected by carotid artery disease. Her mind felt numb and she stared into nothingness as a series of pictures moved in front of her.

I came home from the school, yup, I used to live in a happy home. I came back after a long tiring day at school. I must've been in ninth grade and it was April meaning the new academic session for ninth grade had just started. As I kept my bag down, my mother called me and  I saw the serious faces of both of my parents. Did I not leave my room after cleaning it in the morning, did I break something clumsily, and like those I asked a lot of questions to myself. My mother said in her usual stern teacher like tone, "Would you like to explain this?" My eyes almost popped out when I saw some girl group posters, an incomplete sketch of mine and Chandrika, wait, what, Chandrika? Nothing could really come out of my mouth, all this while I had been trying to hide it all from everybody because I was insecure and explaining everything was tiresome and out of my capacity. But, but, Chandrika, well she was my comfort place, she of course didn't exist as a Homo sapien sapien with 206 bones, tissues and organs. All I knew was that I'd  be dead soon and I was preparing for it.

 As they opened Chandrika flipped through some pages, I kept looking down. My mother read out aloud the last entry of 9 April:

Been reading a GL. I too want an AFAB with waist length plaited hair and then untangle them slowly, let those silky strands free. If they have a nose pin and anklets, I'd find it even more attractive.

I flinched slightly when the covers were shut loudly and my mother just kept looking at me. Maybe she was angry, annoyed, dejected, overwhelmed and who knows, maybe even disgusted. I hated myself for being like that, for making my parents feel ashamed of me. I closed my eyes and unbeknownst to me, my eyes opened their floodgates. I didn't know what to do. How do I go back to "the normal self?" And I knew, since the sixth grade, I knew about this. But I let it pass without thinking much about it.

During the half-yearly or mid-term exams, I was in my room, taking down revision notes and whistling to some random tune. That's when my mother came inside with a mug of cold coffee. I smiled at her. She pulled out another chair and sat beside me. "So, you've finally begun with your studies, I see," my mother said with a terrible attempt to sound light-hearted. "What is it, Maa?" I asked her. She cleared her throat and adjusted her specs a little and said, "Well, the day told us about you, uh..... you, you being that.." "Queer, Maa, it's called Q-U-E-E-R, 'Genderqueer'," I could not resist myself anymore and interrupted her. "Yeah. So, that day both I and your dad were beyond shocked, we did not know how to react or what to say since we never heard of such a thing before. Now that we come to think of it, I think we should be more open-minded. Your happiness is what matters, beta. It will be difficult in the beginning but we will try our best, your father may not say it, but he too places your happiness above everything," with this my mother finished and I embraced her immediately . I felt so happy then. Earlier, it had seemed like the whole world had turned upside down, but then I felt like I had conquered it finally. 

Saanvi took another puff of the cigarette and some more pictures flashed in front of her....

When I was in tenth grade, a lot of things changed for me. Everyday I would return home, succumbing to exhaustion. I battled with some dysphoria. But that was not the only thing, I had to sit between ignorant masses, who were unaware and uneducated regarding biological sex and gender personalities. They called names to the community and I felt terrible. Everyday I was fighting a battle, battle against society and against myself and it drained me out completely. And during this time, my maasi would visit us often. She tried to make me "understand" that "queerness" was just a psychological thing and loving the same gender was like corrupting the religion. It became unbearable when the news of my coming out spread far and wild and whoever came to our house would advise me to change myself or get some medical help. It troubled me a lot to hear all those jeers almost everyday.

At this point my mother suggested that I go and stay outside in a PG hostel. And of course that seemed a sane choice. And I ended up falling for a girl with long hair and a cute nose-pin after shifting in PG.

Maybe that was the best yet painful choice I've ever made. Manjiri, I'm sorry but I'll never be able to forget you. That's when I realised that I loved her enough to let her go but not forget her and could I even forget her, afterall, she made me feel alive after years of cold death. 

A/N : So, yeah, a little long description about Saanvi's past.  Have a great day/night ahead! 🤗