What If? Year 2

Chapter 51

Panic fills my body as we pull into the driveway. I quickly take my trunk out of the car and take it up to my room. Ara quietly shows Ginny to her room and they get her stuff up there. Then Mum tells them to go downstairs. I stare down at my hands, trying to reign in tears, as I hear my door creak open. I keep my eyes down as Mum walks out in front of me.
"What were you thinking?"
"I... I don't know."
"Well obviously you weren't. What could possible make you forget to think? What could possibly have happened to make you so stupid as to go try and get yourself killed?"
"I..."
"There is no excuse," she says, sternly, "but you will never do that again. And your uncle gave me an idea, and I might follow through with it." Anger courses up through me, the tear finally falling.
"What?" My eyes snap up to her wide ones, an angry look matching mine.
"No quidditch matches... no Hogsmeade... no walking around after sunset or before sunrise, unless necessary and with a teacher."
"That's so unfair!"
"How so?"
"Harry had gotten attacked nearly as many times at me! And how in the world are you gonna know?
"I will know... and Harry didn't go and get himself nearly killed!"
"With all those rules it would probably be better if I was dead!" I scream, the words slipping through my mouth before I even had time to think them through. She stares at me.
"Goldie...? What..."
"Please... stop," I whimper, "I'm sorry, okay? Can we please stop talking about it?" My eyes snap down in shame.
"Of... um, yeah. I'm gonna go check on the boys." I quickly shut the door behind her and lock it before crumpling to the floor. My breath catches in my throat as tears sting my eyes. Unwelcomed thoughts race through my brain as I try to catch my breath.
Disappointment... give up... you're such a mistake. No one wants you around. You should have stayed where you belong. Now you belong no where. Go back, such a failure... stay here, keep being a burden.
"Shut up," I whimper to myself, "please, please, please..." My cheeks are red and wet, as I choke on my own breath.
Find a way out... you must find a way to not be either... not a failure or a burden. Is it possible? You're too much of a failure to figure it out... probably to much of a burden to do it.
I push away from the door with my feet, not feeling the floor burn as it sinches my skin. My hands pick at the faint scar on my neck, silently cursing that it was still there. More tears burn down my face as I reach for my deer from Cedric.
"I miss you, Ced," I whisper, "I really wish you were here right now. I need you. I don't feel this around you." I squeeze the deer to my chest, letting it rest heavily on my chest. It calms me some, with the scent of Cedric tickling at my noise. I finally get my breath back, still with tears running down my face. I bite down on my lip, hoping the tears away. They slow, while my lip swells against my teeth. Once the tears subside, I can hear voices downstairs.
"Can we go skating now?" Evie whines.
"Wait for your sister," Mum chides, "she'll want to go with."
"She's been up there for hours," Harry cuts in, "we should leave her."
"She's been up there for an hour," Ara says, "should someone check on her?"
"She gets like this sometimes," Mum replies, "not a people person, as you know."
"Can we please go now?"
"Come on, Mum. You know we'll go more than once, and she can always come later."
"Fine, but stay together." I squeeze my eyes shut.
Together... don't stray like an idiot. Don't be me.
I sit up and lean against my bed. I wipe at my face, knowing that its splotchy and red. I fish out my necklace, staring at the swirls of yellow and silver.
Silver?
A deep sigh racks my body.
He knows... I'm ruined.
I get up into my bed and lay down. I cover myself in my blankets with my deer on top of my chest. I push myself into the spirit realm.

"Oh no you don't," Mari starts as soon as I open my eyes, "You will not hide from your problems here. Go talk to your mother." I shake my head and get up. Her hand meets my chest to stop me.
"Mari, please."
"No... get back in your body. You know your mother cares for you more than anything. Please go give her peace of mind."
"She knows I didn't mean it."
"Do we?" I stare at Mari, tears collecting around her eyes.
"Even things said in anger have some truth to them, Goldie."
"If she was that worried, wouldn't she have come up here to check on me?"
"She's giving you space."
"Is that what you're doing?"
"I'm not your mother, Goldie... and I'm actually dead."
"And I'll be somewhere in between. Not dead, but with all those rules, not really living either."
"You're being a child."
"Everyone seems to forget that simple fact... I am a child."
"Why are you doing this? Pushing people away? We aren't going to hurt you." I pause, as I search for a reason, the logical one that had to be somewhere in my mind.
"Because... what if I get them hurt?" Mari now stares at me, searching for an answer.
"That... that wouldn't be your fault."
"How do you know? What if I lead hurt to them? What if I hurt them? What if I-.."
"That's a lot of what ifs. Well, I can promise you one thing... they can't hurt me, or Regulus."
"But I can..."
"But you won't... I know that much about you." I shack my head.
"Do you?" 

"Don't you remember what happened last time?" Mari asks, as we walk down to find Mum.
"Yeah... I got valuable information? It's just a little fact checking." Mum's form is in the kitchen, bent over the stove.
"One of these times you're gonna get yourself in a lot of trouble for knowing things you aren't supposed to know." I look back at Mari before setting a hand of Mum's shoulder.
"Sure."

I watch as an owl pops into the living room. It drops a piece of parchment onto the table in front of Mum. I move to read it over her shoulder.
'James and Lily,
Peter is in the castle. Harry and Ara are fine, but Marigold has been attacked. She lost a bit of blood and is beyond terrified. No one can calm her down, so it seems. She needs you now.
-Minerva McGonagall'
"JAMES!"  she screams, tears collecting in her eyes, "JAMES!" Running footsteps echo throughout the house. Dad stops in the doorway, staring at Mom's tears. "
"Lily?" he asks, quietly, "What's wrong?" Mum holds out the letter to him and he takes it. Barely even a second goes by before he's back to running.
"James?" More running around, collecting his coat and wand follows her call.
"James!?" The only thing left now was the letter on the floor and green flames in the fireplace. Mum kneels down by the fireplace, tempted to follow, but staying for Evie.
"Help our girl, Jamie. Make sure she's okay... for me."