English Love Affair// Calum T. Hood

Goodnight

The song fits the chapter so please listen in the background- if not the songs -terrible things-Mayday parade

Thank you xo

Jess' PoV:
So we went up stairs and talked, talked about everything.Everything but what we needed to.

"So"i said to Calum with a smile as I lifted my head from where it was rested on his chest.

"So?"
"We need to talk about us or there's no point in me being here."

"I was scared you were gonna leave me you know......Jess I hurt you so bad and that made me so miserable.I was scared you were going to leave me for someone else and that's what I feared the most.

I was terrible Luke had to drag me out of bed one day because I couldn't function without you.

Someone else taking you on a date and loving you a lot better than I could.All the time we spent together I could never forget, when ever I tried to sleep I could just see your eyes.I was scared someone else would be able to fall asleep looking at you.So I just ended up having those nightmares.

I kept having dreams my nightmare, it was about you which I think you gathered.It scared me so much because it meant loosing you in every way possible and no way could I cope with that."i locked eyes with him as a tear dropped down my cheek and he wiped it away.

"Calum you-"
"Let me carry on before I get too scared........the dream it... It kinda made me think that you where going to leave me for Will and that fucking hurt so much.

But what made it worse was that he hurt you a lot and you know.....when you hurt yourself....."-he took a deep breath and sighed trying to hold back his tears-"in my dream you killed..Jess you......killed yourself and you don't realise how much that scared me.It was hard for me to even breath thinking of a world without you"i looked up at Calum as I felt one of his tears drop onto my forehead.

"Calum why didn't you just tell me I can't sleep because I've been worried about you.About if you where going to wake up having a panic attack because of that stupid bad dream.

This month has been the longest of my life without you.Fifteen years I've loved you and I know I shouldn't tell you that."

"Why shouldn't you tell me that?"
"Because Calum it's the truth if anyone else had cheated on me I would have left him in a heart beat.You though I could never do that because no way are we both strong enough.You're the greatest person in my life.And I can always see the love in your eyes always and I guess that's because I love you.I guess that's life can just do bad things to good people."

"Jess"he sighed and I could tell he was crying so I sat up beside him and kissed his cheek.

He wiped his eyes and brushed my tears away with his thumb.Calum shuffled and sat up beside me.
"Yeh"i answered him once I caught my breath.
"I love you, but without you it's so hard to even live."

"Calum I know but is right now I think we just need to be friends.

I feel terrible because...just please Calum just walk away from me before it gets worse.

You don't want to love me Calum, I'm harder work than you, those dreams are partly what I was thinking.Apart from the me leaving you for Will bit, I did want to leave this world though.

Well not really this world just the people in it, that i would have to deal with on my own.Its not this world that's fucked up it's the people in it and God do I know that as a fact.

Calum I just wanted to hurt my self so bad that I was gone.Gone because I was hurting so much, and I new me hurting meant you were too and it all got to much sometimes that seemed like the only solution.I have no one.

Mum says I'm sick not like physically, she said I'm depressed again and I'll have to go to the doctor if I get worse.Im sick Calum and no way am I gonna let you cope with that if I can help it.So please don't be sad if I just leave I know you love me but we both have too much to deal with.

You're the greatest  person in my life Calum, but please just walk away I can't bare to see you put through this.

Dad doesn't even want me to be a bridesmaid no more because everyone would see my scars and he doesn't want that.I don't either but no one realises how that makes me feel."

"Jess please I need you and I love you so much you're the only one I think I'll ever love......please.I can't just be one of your ex boyfriends who left you because he couldn't take it , I need to help you, I want to even though that's gonna be pretty hard.

I love you and I'd give anything to be with you forever.I can't just let you give up, I'm here for you always.We were 15 and I never let you go then, so what makes you think that's changed over 4 years.

It's a fact though that I love you and how can I not when we both know that we can't live without each other.The way you feel makes it pretty clear and I know I can help.

Yeh life can be shit just remember the good parts.The first time we got drunk and laid in Michael's back yard on the trampoline looking at the stars, and of corse throwing up.You were still so beautiful then.

Will you be my girlfriend again, please I know it's not the best time.But I fucking love you."

"Calum ,no it's not the best time you go on tour in less than three weeks.College is in three days and I'll have to go through months of that alone.I'll be hurting more than humanly possible.

I don't know if I can last in a long distance relationship when you'll be in a different part of the world every week.Although I love you so much and well.... fuck everything."

"What?"he said confused.
"Yes Calum I'll be your girlfriend, this might not work out but you.Calum Thomas Hood I love you.It might be hard for me to live but it will be so much easier going through this with you."

"I love you too but don't ever say you want to die again because I sure as hell never want to see this stupid fucking world without you in it."

We laid there for hours him cuddling me till I stopped crying.
"What's Alex gonna say?"Calum sighed as he played with my hands.

"Like I said, fuck everything.Calum I love you ,okay."

"Okay"he leaned forward a little and kissed my head.
"Alex did like you, you know when that bar man was flirting and I tried to stop him.

Alex helped me out and told him I was taken, that was because he could 'stand Hood being your boyfriend'. " I attempted to do Alex's voice for the last part but failed causing Calum to laugh.

"We talked the other week.Alex and I"
"Mmmmmmm about what?"

"Tour,he was worried I didn't want to go because he had punched me but I explained everything to him"

"Everything?"
"About that night and how I still loved you"
"Mmmmmmm"

"Mmmmmmm"
"I guess I love you too"

"Guess?"
"Well, okay I know I love you too."i sighed and cuddled into him.

"You wanna go to sleep?"he asked just as I started to fall asleep on him.

"Yep"
"Do you want my shirt to sleep in?"
"You know me to well Hood"i giggled getting ready for bed as Calum handed me his shirt.

Once I was ready I crawled under the covers beside him.
"That's one of the things I've missed most."
"What?"
"Seeing you asleep cuddled up and in my shirt"
"That's two things"
"Okay, well the two things I've missed the most.Just shh and go to sleep."

"Mmmmmmm goodnight"
"Shhh,goodnight.I love you"he whispered in my ear kissing my cheek.

"I love you too, now goodnight I wanna go to sleep"i told him before falling asleep in his arms.

-

I wrote this a while ago sorry I've took so long to update Jess xo