Cody learns to love

The one chapter where they kind of need a therapist

  Cody didn't manage to talk to Fox after the incident in the garage. Fox was avoiding him and the few times they saw each other, there were other siblings around and Cody was pretty sure Fox wouldn't appreciate talking this over in front of them. Cody didn't want to either.

  The kids didn't pick up on the tension between him and Fox. Well, Echo might have but he didn't say anything about it. Rex on the other hand asked way too much. And so did Obi-Wan and maybe that was even worse. Cody couldn't just keep throwing random stuff at him until he shut up, he actually had to talk to him.

  "Talk to me, Cody. I can see that not everything is fine."

  "Everything is fine."

  "Cody." Obi-Wan gave him a disapproving look. "Stop lying to me. I know something is troubling you. And I have a feeling that it has something to do with Fox."

  Cody sighed. He wasn't going to get away with lying this time, was he? That's what he got for letting Obi-Wan stay after the kids went to sleep. Now Obi-Wan had the whole night for asking questions that Cody didn't want to answer. "What do you know about Fox?"

  Obi-Wan didn't seem put off by Cody's question at all. "Not much. I know that Fox is a very bright student. And that you are very fond of him."

  That was an understatement. Cody loved Fox. He needed Fox. Fox was Cody's darling little boy. Only Fox didn't want to be that anymore. Of course he didn't. He wanted a better parental figure than Cody was. He deserved someone better. "I love him."

  "I know. He is more like your son than your brother, isn't he?"

  Fox has never wanted Cody to be his father. He hated it when people confused Cody for the kids' parent. Cody was their brother, nothing less, nothing more. "Fox never wanted me to be his father. It doesn't matter how I see him."

  "Does Fox not talk to you because of that?"

  "No. It's... it's something else."

  "Do you want to tell me?"

  As if Cody had a choice. Obi-Wan wasn't going to leave him alone until he knew what was wrong. "Fox got diagnosed with autism recently."

  "That must've been a shock."

  "Not really. I suspected it. Well, I guess I would've started suspecting it even sooner if I actually knew something about children when Fox was a baby. Fox thinks I neglected him. He is right. I should've taken him to a mind healer when I first noticed him acting different than other kids his age. Should've tried to understand him better and not just assume that as long as I love him, it will be fine."

  "Did Fox say that?"

  "Not exactly. But he made it pretty clear that I should've done more."

  "Did you consider the option that he didn't mean it? Children often say things they don't mean, especially teenagers."

  "Fox doesn't," Cody insisted. He knew kids could say a lot of things they didn't mean, especially when they were angry or irritated. But never Fox. Fox never told him he hated him, never said that he wished Cody never took him in, never shouted that Cody was a terrible brother into his face. Never until now. And Cody was pretty sure Fox meant that.

  "You need to talk to him about it."

  "He doesn't want to talk."

  "Maybe he does."

  "He's been avoiding me for two days."

  "Maybe he's just afraid of your reaction," Obi-Wan suggested. "I mean, you obviously won't punish him for this in any way but he doesn't know that. You said Fox has never said anything like this to you before. He can't be sure that you won't get mad at him."

  "That... it's a possibility."

  "Go talk to him, Cody. I will wait here."

  So Cody went. He knocked on Fox's door. Fox didn't answer but Cody knew he was still awake. So he tried talking. Whether Fox wanted to talk to him or not, Cody needed him to know that he wasn't in trouble, that Cody still loved him and that Fox could come talk to him once he felt like it. "Fox? I just want to talk to you, Fox. It's okay if you don't feel up to it right now. Just know that we can talk once you feel ready, okay? I just want to talk. You are not in trouble or anything."

  There was a beat of silence. "Come in!"

  Cody opened the door. He found Fox sitting on his bed. "You've been avoiding me, Fox. Why?"

  "Isn't that obvious?"

  "Fox, I just- I know I'm not the best ori'vod and that you deserve better. I know. You deserve the best and I'm- I'm not that." Cody thought to the two boys master Plo had shown him on a picture. Maybe Boost and Sinker were the ones who won. Maybe master Plo could give them the life they deserved, the one that Cody couldn't. "I'm sorry, Fox. I'm just trying my best. I know it's not much and I know that I screwed up a lot of times. I'm so, so sorry, Fox. I wish I could give you a better life but I- I can't. I'm so sorry, Fox."

  Fox didn't say anything. That was the end, wasn't it? Now that Cody apologized, admitted out loud that he failed as an older brother and a parental figure, Fox wasn't going to want to be his darling little boy anymore.

  "I'm sorry, Fox," Cody said for the last time. "I- if you decide you don't want to talk to me anymore, I get it. Just know that I love you."

  Cody stood there for a few more seconds. He hoped Fox was going to say something, do something, but the boy didn't move at all. Cody turned away from him. He started to walk away. Then he heard movement behind him. He turned around just in time to catch Fox. Fox who hugged him tightly. Fox who didn't hate him.

  He didn't let go of Fox even as they both moved to Fox's bed and Fox pressed a paper into his hand. Fox didn't want to talk. Cody accepted that. He let the boy curl up next to him with his head pillowed on Cody's shoulder as he read Fox's letter.

  It broke Cody's heart. The letter was barely coherent, that was unusual for Fox. Overall, it was just Fox apologizing over and over again, repeating that Cody was a good ori'vod and then Fox called himself selfish and ungrateful. In other words, Fox needed a mind healer. Cody was glad Fox was going to talk to doctor Palpatine frequently. His self-esteem sure needed a boost.

  "I love you, Fox. No matter what, you will always be my darling little boy." Fox saved Cody when he was on the bottom. And then he saved Cody again and again. Cody thought about cutting himself a lot after the one conversation with Fox that didn't go great. But he didn't do anything. Because Fox needed someone better than was Cody. And he wasn't getting that if Cody didn't make himself a better person. He resisted. For Fox. For all of his little siblings. But it was Fox that he thought about when he asked himself just why he ever agreed to do this. Now he just had to repay the favor, had to help Fox. "I love you."

  "Why?" Fox spoke for the first time.

  So Cody told him. Told him everything. The child friendly version, anyway.