𝐑𝐨𝐜𝐤 𝐦𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝

Baby Mama

2009

"Come on Gabi. We're going to be late and Paul is going to fucking kill me."
"Im not going Marshall. I look fat." I said taking of my make up
"You don't- oh my fucking god yo. Fine then stay home." He left the room "YOU HAD A BABY FOR GOD SAKE!" I hear him yell as he walked downstairs
"WELL ITS EASY FOR YOU TO SAY WHEN YOU HAVE ALL THAT SIX PACK!" I yell

I took my clothes off and took Ace from his bed and went downstairs.
Marshall was on the couch watching tv.

"What the fuck are you doing here Marshall?"
"I'm not going."
"Marshall.."
"I Said im not going. If you don't go then I don't go."
"Ugh.." i rolled my eyes and went in the kitchen with Ace in my arms

This interview was really important but at least he could go.
Im not going to leave this house looking like this.
"So how long are you going to stay locked away in this house?"
"That's none of your business."
"It fucking is, because i can't stay after your ass just because you don't like the way you look like."
"Did I fucking told you to stay home? No i fucking didn't."

"For gods sake Gabi you look fine. You don't look fat. Can you just please get over this?"
"Marshall. Im giving you 5 seconds to walk back in the fucking living room and to shut the fuck up." I said to him and he shook his head as he walked back in the living room.

I hate the way I look like. And SOMEONE LIKE HIM, would never fucking understand.
A year ago I got birth to Ace, and because of the pregnancy i got fat.
And when I say fat i fucking mean it that way.
I don't look fucking skinny or something. I wear big oversized clothes so I can hide my belly.
I look fucking gross. And Marshall doesn't fucking understand that.
It's easy for him to say that I don't look fat when he's all in the fucking gym making himself to look good.

It's easy for all the men out there to say that we don't look fat after we gave birth BECAUSE YOUR NOT THE ONE THAT JUST GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY.
Fuck this makes me so fucking angry. I can't even look in the mirror.
And he's all looking good when I look like a goddamn potato sack.
That's why for the past year I haven't left this fucking house.

Im working from home, i send Naz to the grocery store. I don't drive the girls and the boys to school Naz does it when Marshall is not around.
And to be honest he doesn't even fucking help me to feel better a little.
All he says is that I look good and then he kisses me and continues his work.

I don't know but the past few years the relationship between Marshall and I changed a little.
We still have sex and all that but I don't know I have a feeling that he doesn't love me the way he use to.
And no i don't wanna say that I think he cheats on me because i don't think he does.

And since Alice and Proof died, i have basically no one anymore.
I have nightmares that I kill myself, nightmares of my mother, Alice and Proof.

Kim comes by sometimes but I can't fucking talk to her about everything i feel and about the relationship between Marshall and I.
And with the others I don't want to talk about all of this.
They haven't seen me after I gave birth. Nobody did.
At this point i feel so alone, and hopeless.

The fact that I miss my mother so bad. It's fucking with me every day. I can't get over her death, all I want is just to be next to her and to have her around me.
And fuck this is complicated.
I feel so depressiv.

I don't even know how I turned like this. I was fine, i swear to god i was fine. But first my mom died then Alice and Proof then I gave birth and now Im not happy.
Im not happy with my work, myself.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to never accept that goddamn record deal and now maybe I'll live a happy peaceful life.
And not this mess.

Marshall Pov:

I honestly have no idea what's going on with Gabi.
She doesn't talk to me at all. It's not her anymore, and I don't know if I'm the reason why she's like this or because there my be other stuff.
All I know is that she doesn't feel comfortable in her body.

And she's crazy when she says that she looks fat. For me she fucking doesn't look fat.
She looks beautiful.
But I guess my words doesn't fucking help with anything.

I don't know man but everything is so fucked up.
After her mother died then Proof and Alice, we gave our best to stay positive and work things out but I guess it doesn't fucking work.
Our relationship is not the way it use to be. The sex is still the same but us.. the connection we use to have it slowly disappears.
And that fucks with me, because i love her. I fucking love her so Bad but I can see in her eyes that she's not happy.

And I have no fucking idea what to do.
She doesn't leave this house at all.
She's working from home but she doesn't leave the house.
I don't know what to do to convince her to go out with me or to at least come to the studio but she always says no.

I can see the girls are also feeling bad when they see Gabi like this.
The kids really loves her, and yes maybe it was a little to much for us to adopt all of them but we couldn't let them on their own.
Hailie sometimes asks me why Gabi won't come to her guitar lesson and I don't know what to say.
I keep telling her that she doesn't feel good and that she still needs to rest after the pregnancy but I can see how sad it makes Hailie.

Hailie really haves a connection with Gabi since day one.
And that's how the rest of the children are but Hailie is different.
She won't even go with Kim alone shopping if Gabi doesn't go with them.
Or what something else happened almost a two years ago.

We were eating and Hailie called Gabi mom.
Like she really called her mom.
Since then she still calls her that and the rest of the girls too.
Gabi told me that she haves no problem with it but still she doesn't want the children to think that this is right. And that she doesn't want Kim to feel bad about this.

I then tried to explain to the girls that they don't need to call Gabi that.
But then they really left me without words when they said that, Gabi raised them. And that she was more often here then Kim or I was. The girls told me that they love Kim and I because we are their parents but they love Gabi the same. And that they are more then thankful to have her as a mother.

I guess I never thought that my own child will say this.
And I'm not disappointed or something. Because it's true, there were days where i was working the entire day and I'll be home when the girls were sleeping.
Gabi was taking care of them, took them to school, made homework with them, cooked for them and all that.
I was only there when i never had work or when something was important. But Gabi raised them.
And of course Kim and I are very thankful.

Kim until this day she loves to have Gabi around. Because she knows that there are some things that Gabi knows better about the girls then Kim does.

Then as we took the boys under our custody again she did everything.
I was also there but again, i was working.
I guess this fucking work destroys my family.
But i love my job, and all I'm doing is for them.
But I can't lie when I say that I feel like I've broke Gabi by giving her so many responsibilities and now she's not happy.

And now here we are, trying not fight over anything.
Trying to convince her to at least leave this fucking house.
But nothing.
I just don't want to lose her and to lose my marriage.

All I want to is to have my old Gabi back. And no im not saying anything about her body. I mean her as a person.
I miss that laugh on her face and her goofy side.
The girl that will never say I'm not going there because i don't look good.
The woman i felt in love with was happy and never gave a fuck about the way she looked like or anything else.

I miss her so Bad.
And i honestly don't know what to do just for her to open up to me.