Nikki Sixx prys himself on being in the sleaziest dirtiest rock band Motley Crue. He is considered the bad boy of Rock 'n Roll and has a reputation that proves it. He meets the highest-paid fashion model in the world, Iman Darlington who is the comp...
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Morning...
I sat across from Dr. Lewis, feeling like I was standing on the edge of some cliff. I rubbed my hands together and forced myself to look her in the eye.
"It's... more than I thought it would be," I began, choosing my words carefully. "Being a mom, I mean. It's not just the sleepless nights or the feeding schedules. It's like... there's this part of me that doesn't connect the way I'm supposed to. I see moms doting on their kids in this effortless way, and I feel... alien. I don't know if it's the stress or the way my mind works, but it feels like there's a wall between me and what I'm supposed to feel. And the more I try to force myself to feel what I'm supposed to, the harder it seems to get."
She nodded, her expression encouraging but calm, and I felt the familiar pull to hide how much my disorder affects me. But I pushed past that.
"The sociopathy well, it complicates everything. I know it changes how I connect with others, but I thought I could manage it. I just didn't expect it to affect my bond with Julius this much. There are moments where I'm holding him, and I just... I know what I'm supposed to feel, but there's a numbness there that scares me. I don't want Nikki or anyone else to know that I struggle to feel certain things, and I hate that it makes me feel like I'm failing him somehow. I want to be better for Julius, but I can't shut off this part of myself that keeps me at a distance."
Dr. Lewis leaned forward, her voice gentle but firm. "Iman, the first thing I want you to remember is that having sociopathy doesn't make you incapable of being a good mother. It just means you'll need to approach bonding a little differently. What you might struggle with in terms of emotional response, you can make up for by building intentional habits."
She gave me a reassuring smile.
"One tool I recommend is creating routines where you interact with Julius in small, consistent ways. It might feel forced initially, but over time, those routines will help you feel more connected. This could be something as simple as making eye contact, singing softly to him, or even practicing gentle touch. You'll be wiring yourself into his world, step by step."
I nodded, a bit skeptical. "But what if it feels... fake? I don't want him to feel that."
She took a breath, her gaze steady. "In the beginning, it might feel like you're just going through the motions, and that's okay. The important thing is consistency. With enough repetition, some of those responses will start to come naturally. Think of it as a muscle you're training. Just because it's not instinctive doesn't mean it isn't real."
I let her words settle, but the doubt lingered. "And what about when I get frustrated? Sometimes he's crying, and I don't know what he wants. I just... I want to snap, to make it stop."
She nodded sympathetically. "That's entirely normal. A lot of parents feel that way. For you, frustration might intensify because it clashes with your usual sense of control. One technique you can try is grounding yourself in those moments. When you feel that frustration rise, take a breath, and try to shift your focus from fixing the crying to simply being present with him. Remind yourself that you don't have to feel a perfect connection every moment. It's more about learning to tolerate those difficult moments without judgment. Another helpful approach might be to create an 'anchor' a small action, like rubbing your thumb and forefinger together, that you can use to center yourself and regain control."
