Love on the brain

Heaven

A week later
Nia's funeral

"I can't believe this is real" I said as I woke up. My heart was heavy and I felt extremely sad. Liyana and now a week old, laid peacefully in her crib, oblivious to the pain surrounding us. I got up to do my morning routine, praying, exercising and bathing before going out my room. "Thank you Lord" I whispered as I continued practicing gratitude and saying my morning affirmations.

Once I was done showering I heard Liyana cry. I comforted her and fed her while looking at her beautiful hair, asking myself why she took all my hair genes and not her dad's curly hair. "You're a beautiful girl" I whispered as she suckled. It's a lot of work and luckily I have my mom to help me but it's just a lot of work. I'm leaving Liyana with my mom today so I can attend the funeral. I pumped some milk earlier so I think it will be enough.

I zipped up my black teacup dress, put on my black heels and untied my braids. I was waiting for Jermaine to come fetch me since my dad wasn't around, he really wanted to go but he couldn't. I wrapped my baby, made sure she's swaddled well enough so she can sleep peacefully. "You're so tiny" I chuckled as I heard my phone ring. "Come open the door" Jermaine spoke through the phone and I picked Liyana up while walking to the door.

"Hey princess" he whispered to her as he carried her gently. "Hey mama" he spoke with his husky voice, barely audible and I smiled looking at his red-rimmed eyes, he was exhausted. "Hey daddy" I said and he slightly squinted his eyes and I just shook my head as I walked upstairs to fetch my stuff. "Hey Jermaine, how are you?" My mom said as she walked in the kitchen, giving him a hug. "I know today isn't an easy day but you got this" my mom comforted him and I'm guessing he just kept nodding.

He came into my room to put her down so I carried on doing whatever I had to do. "You look beautiful" he said as he came behind me while I put my earrings on in front of the mirror. He held me close and I could tell he needed a hug. "I'm sorry J" I said as I patted him on the back and he slowly moved back. We made strong eye contact and I could tell he needs a distraction and unfortunately I'm not that distraction. My mind wandered to Kabelo's proposal. The letter, the roses, the ring, they all still lingered in my mind. I haven't responded yet, I'm not sure about this and how to process my emotions.

We got into the car and drove to the cemetery. Apparently this service happens a bit differently. I'm used to church and then the cemetery but now the church service will be held at the cemetery. Once we arrived, I could feel the atmosphere darken and sadden quickly, the clouds covered the sun, it really felt like a funeral.

The tents were black and purple and they were filled with a lot of people. I looked at Nia's picture and I felt tears roll down my face because she was too young to go. It's too early. I held Jermaine's arms tightly, wanting him to feel like he has support. While we sat in front and the service began, Marissa arrived and handed Gabby over to Jermaine before hugging him. It didn't do anything to me honestly, we are here for Nia and I know she wouldn't want me feeling a way about Marissa.

Jermaine's hand tightened around mine as we sat and listened to the priest. I saw a lot of familiar faces from the community, her friends and her family that I know of. Ms Jackson sat beside me, I could feel how broken she is. I grab her as she sobbed and gave her a hug.

While the pastor was praying, I couldn't stop thinking about how life is so short. Nia didn't know she'd die and I'm sure there's things she could've done while she was alive but she didn't. I felt a lump form in my throat as the eulogies began.

Just as I was losing myself in grief, Jermaine suddenly loosened his grip and I looked at him, curious about why. His eyes were locked onto something or someone across the tent. I followed his eyes, trying to see what he's seeing but all I saw were sad people who came to mourn his mother. His face changed, he was angry. I tried to hold his hand but it was in a fist. "Jermaine, what's wrong" I asked and he ignored me.

I grabbed a rose and held Ms Jackson on my other side. "Your legacy will live on" I whispered as a tear dropped from my face and I dropped the rose. Ms Jackson dropped hers too and we walked around the casket and walked towards the car afterwards. I looked at Jermaine and Jabari still standing with their mother, saying their goodbyes. I can never imagine losing my mother, I'd die too.

Jermaine trembled and fell on his knees, right before the casket and it scared me, I thought he'd fall but Jabari and a mystery man held him back. Who is that man standing next to him? I asked myself as I saw Jermaine fight him. I walked towards them, trying to understand what's happening. "You're not welcomed here!" Jermaine growled. Luckily it was just his immediate family.

The man stood silent, wearing a leather coat and his hands were tucked in. He stood calmly, we couldn't see his eyes because he wore classic Ray Ban glasses. "After 21. years and you choose to show up now?" Jermaine growled and my eyes grew wide, the confusion on Jabari's face was clear. That's their dad? I questioned in my head. Ms Jackson ran towards he with her shoe and threw it at him. "What the hell are you doing here Thulani!" She shouted. The man didn't even flinch at the shoe being thrown at him. I was even more confused at the name, he's one of us? I questioned again.

"Deborah" he commented still keeping his calm composure as he walked towards Jermaine. "You have no right to be here, no right to mourn her!" she shouted. "I came to pay my respects." Jermaine got even more angry, his fist clenched up and the veins on his neck showed. "You abandoned us!" He spoke and Thulani finally removed his glasses. I could tell he really regretted it, he meant no harm in coming, you can hear it in his voice. "I know my absence caused you guys pain"

Jabari shook his head, not believing this is his dad. "Let's go Jermaine" he placed his hand on his shoulder. Jermaine couldn't stop looking at Thulani, his jaw clenched and I could tell he feels betrayed. Thulani's gaze followed Jermaine, it was a mix of sadness and longing.

Thulani's presence caused so much drama and tension. It stormed up so much emotions for the boys but Jermaine's calm demeanour was a sign of his strength. We walked towards the car, leaving Thulani and the past behind.

For now.