Illicit Love

Kabanata 17

"Zari? Anong nangyari... Damn, why are you crying?" nag-aalalang tanong ni Helena nang makarating siya sa harap ko. Hindi ako umimik. Nanatili akong tahimik at tulala sa kawalan habang pinapakiramdaman ang sarili.

What is happening to me? Why am I even crying? I don't even know anymore. All I feel is this crushing sense of regret. I wanted to chase after her earlier, to stop and tell how much I want her in my life, but I found myself frozen, unable to move. I can't afford to give myself any more reasons to overthink this. If I stay a moment longer, I'm afraid I'll lose my resolve and decide not to leave at all.

"I-I don't know, Helena... H-Hindi ko na alam..." Unti-unting nabasag ang boses ko. Hindi ko na napigilang maiyak sa harap ni Helena.

"Shit, Zari!" mura niya at mabilis akong niyakap kaya mas lalo lang akong umiyak sa yakap niya.

"H-Helena..."

"Shh, go on. You can cry to me, Zariah. I am here, you don't have to carry that alone... If you are ready to tell it, I am just here. I got your back," bulong niya.

Umiyak lang ako nang umiyak habang yakap siya. Hindi ko alam kung anong dahilan ng iniiyakan ko. Ang alam ko lang ang sakit at bigat na... Sa oras na hindi ko 'to nailabas, pakiramdam ko ay mababaliw na ako ng tuluyan.

"S-Si Lia, Helena... 'Yong kapatid ko... Ang bata pa niya para maranasan ang bagay na 'to. Bakit kailangang siya pa?" nanghihinang sabi ko.

Hindi siya umimik. Nanatili siyang tahimik habang yakap ako. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin matanggap at ma process ang lahat ng nangyayari. Sabi ko na... May kakaibang narararamdaman akong hindi maganda.

Kagabi, bago ako matulog, umiiyak na tumawag ulit si Nanay. Hindi ko pa maprocess ang lahat ng sinasabi niya dahil galing rin ako sa matinding iyak, pero isa lang ang tumatak sa isip kong sinabi niya... "Zariah, ang kapatid mo... Nandito kami ngayon sa hospital. Biglang n-nagdugo ang ilong niya... H-Hindi ko maintindihan, akala ko lagnat lang, anak... L-Luekemia daw... Kailangang maagapan agad b-bago lumala, kung hindi..."

Deep despair and an agonizing ache were my only companions. I was powerless to do anything but weep through the long hours of the night. I simply cannot make sense of it. Over and over, I pleaded with the heavens, demanding to know why... why must our family endure such suffering? We have strived for nothing but to live with kindness. We have never done anything to deserve this... and yet, life continues to be so relentlessly cruel to us.

"I understand... Shh, don't worry. Everything will be alright, hmm? Tama na, hindi magugustuhan ng kapatid mo sa oras na malaman niyang umiiyak ang magandang Ate Zari niya," mahinang biro niya.

Suminghot ako at unti-unting kumalas sa pagkakayakap ko sa kanya. Pinunasan ko ang pisngi kong basa ng luha. Hindi ko magawang tumingin sa kanya dahil nahihiya ako. Kagabi pa siya nasa tabi ko. Siya lang ang alam kong puwedeng makatulong sakin kaya siya ang unang tinawagan ko kagabi para magpasamang pumunta sa hospital kung saan sinugod ang kapatid ko.

"T-Thank you, Helena..." mahinang sabi ko habang nakayuko at nakatitig sa kamay ko. "Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kung wala ka. Kasi hindi ko na rin talaga alam... Napapagod na rin ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit... Kung bakit samin nangyayari ang bagay na 'to."

She took a deep, steadying breath. Gently, she reached out and rested her hand over mine. "No one wanted this to happen, Zariah. There is no one to blame, and no one could have seen this coming... It's okay to feel exhausted, to feel lost in a sea of unanswered questions. It's okay to cry and to feel that pain—we are only human, after all, and these feelings are natural... But Zariah, you have to find the strength to stay standing for them, because they are drawing their courage from you. Lia is fighting her illness using the strength she gets from your presence. You cannot give up as long as she is still fighting."