Illicit Love

Kabanata 33

Last night was a complete blur of devastation. Everything felt utterly heartbreaking. The pain is so raw that it feels as though my heart is bleeding incessantly, a wound I fear will never heal. I have no idea how I eventually drifted off to sleep. All I remember is the endless cycle of sobbing, drowning in a heaviness and an ache so profound that I wonder if it will ever truly fade.

Mabigat ang dibdib at mahapdi ang mga matang gumising ako kinabukasan. Damang-dama ko ang sakit at lungkot habang binabalikan ang huling pag-uusap namin ni Solanna. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya natulog, pero alam kong hindi dito kaya mas lalong bumigat ang dibdib ko. Ano bang inaakala mo, Zariah, tatabi siya sayong matulog pagkatapos ng nangyari kagabi? Kung puwede lang na sana lang talaga panaginip ang lahat. Sana lasing lang talaga ako kagabi... pero hindi, e. Damang-dama ko 'yong hapdi at kirot. Malinaw pa rin sakin ang lahat ng sinabi niya at ang pag-iwan niya sakin.

I closed my eyes as I felt that familiar, stinging heat swell behind them once more. The sharp click of the door opening and closing forced me to look up. Solanna stepped into the room, her expression guarded and her eyes heavy with a seriousness I didn't recognize. She refused to meet my gaze—not even for a second—despite knowing full well that my eyes were fixed on her. A sharp, physical ache bloomed in my chest. We are strangers again. It hurts so deeply that I'd give my life just for us to be close once more... or even just to be people who know each other. Is that too much to ask?

"G-Good morning..." mahinang sabi ko. Kahit na wala akong kasiguraduhan kung papansinin niya ba ako o hindi, sinubukan ko pa rin. I want to have casual conversation with her. Kahit ganoon na lang.

Nanatili siyang nakatayo sa closet habang inaayos ang mga gamit niya. Hanggang marinig ko ang paghinga niya ng malalim. "Morning, Engineer Bautista," malamig na sabi niya.

Nakaramdam ako ng pait, pero pinilit kong ngumiti kahit na nahihirapan ako. Gusto ko siyang lapitan, yakapin, at kausapin, pero hindi ko magawa. Pinanghihinaan ako ng loob. Dahan-dahan akong tumayo para makapag-ayos na rin at walang imik na dumiretso sa bathroom.

Sa isang linggo naming pananatili dito, parang ayaw ko ng umuwi at bumalik sa Manila. Pakiramdam ko, sa oras na bumalik kami doon, huli na ang lahat. Mawawala na siya ng tuluyan sakin. Narinig ko kagabi na engagement party na ni Solanna three days from now, sa mismong flight ko pabalik sa Washington.

A sad, bittersweet smile touched my lips. The truth was, I hadn't planned on coming back yet. I wanted to stay away a little longer because I knew that if our paths crossed, my resolve might crumble. I was holding onto a sliver of hope that if there was even the slightest chance—if it wasn't truly over—I would finally try.

I was ready to do everything in my power to make it up to her. I wanted to prove how much I truly wanted her by my side and show her that my love hadn't faded, even after all these years. Despite leaving her without a word, I was prepared to spend the rest of my life seeking her forgiveness, simply because I couldn't bear the thought of losing her forever.

But damn it... I was too late. Every ounce of hope vanished in an instant. There's no "us" anymore—not now, not ever—because she's actually getting married.

Pagod na akong umiyak. Pagod na akong masaktan. Pagod na ako sa bigat na dinadala ko. Na tipong nasanay na akong mapagod at sa lahat ng pakiramdam na 'to.

Nagtagal ako ng isang oras sa banyo para pakalmahin ang sarili. Huminga ako ng malalim bago tuluyang lumabas ng banyo. Hindi na ako nagulat nang maabutan ko siyang nakaupo sa kama habang abala siyang nagtitipa sa kanyang cellphone.

Tahimik kong kinuha ang dress na nakaready sa kama, pero dahil nasa tabi 'yon ni Solanna, kailangan kong dumaan sa harap niya para makuha ko 'yon. Naglakad ako sa harap niya papunta sa kabilang side para kunin ang damit ko. Nang makuha ko 'yon, natigilan ako nang bigla siyang tumayo.