Illicit Love

Kabanata 19

"I met you in the dark, you lit me up
You made me feel as though I was enough
We danced the night away, we drank too much
I held your hair back when you were throwin' up..."

Nanatili akong nakapikit habang marahang kinakapa ang bawat piyesa ng piano. Pinipilit kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko habang iniisip ang bawat magagandang pangyayari sa buhay ko sa nakaraang mga buwan na nandito ako. Hindi ko inakalang ganito kasakit umalis. Hindi ko naisip na mahihirapan akong umalis.

Biglang nagflashback sakin ang lahat. Lahat ng naranasan at napagdaanan ko sa ilang buwang pananatili ko dito... Sa bahay nila Solanna. Dito sa school. Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko bang makalimutan ang lahat ng mga magagandang pangyayari sa buhay ko dito.

"Then you smiled over your shoulder
For a minute, I was stone-cold sober
I pulled you closer to my chest
And you asked me to stay over
I said, "I already told ya
I think that you should get some rest"..."

My eyes stung with the weight of unshed tears. I'm going to miss her—achingly so. I know with a painful certainty that this is the last night I will ever see her. I'm desperate to go to her, to speak even just a few final words. I want her to feel the depth of my affection, to know how truly I love her. In the brief time we've known each other, my feelings have only deepened.

It isn't because of her wealth, her beauty, or her brilliance... I love her simply for who she is. Even when she's difficult, sharp-tongued, or cold, there is something magnetic about her—something that constantly pulls me in, making me want to know every hidden part of her soul.

"I knew I loved you then, but you'd never know
'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go
I knew I needed you, but I never showed
But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go..."

Is it wrong to hope that when the time is finally right, it won't be too late—even if I'm the one walking away now? I find myself wishing that if our paths cross again, the door might still be open for me to make amends. I want the chance to show her, to make her truly feel, just how much I want her in my life.

The truth is, I don't know if I'll ever have the heart to love anyone else after this. I know we're young, and I know things change. Time will pass—days turning into years—without us seeing or holding each other. She will surely find someone who can love her properly, someone who has the strength to fight for her in ways I currently cannot. It's a painful reality to accept, but it's the truth I have to live with.

"I'll wake you up with some breakfast in bed
I'll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head
And I'll take the kids to school, wave them goodbye
And I'll thank my lucky stars for that night, yeah..."

Despite the burning ache in my eyes from suppressing my tears, I forced them open. The moment I did, my gaze fell upon the first lady, gliding gloriously across the stage, her red lava gown flowing behind her like a molten current. I tried my best to stay grounded and focus on my task, even as the deafening roars and cheers of the crowd swirled around me.

I couldn't look away from her—this beautiful woman moving with such grace. I searched within myself, desperate to find that familiar spark, that specific heartbeat I only ever felt when I looked at Solanna. I wanted so badly for someone else to make me feel that way. But as my eyes grew weary, I felt nothing but the crushing weight of reality... No one else could ever move me like she does. Dammit.

"When you looked over your shoulder
For a minute, I forget that I'm older
I wanna dance with you right now
Oh, and you look as beautiful as ever
And I swear that every day you'll get better
You make me feel this way somehow..."