Illicit Love

Kabanata 31

"Hi, can I seat?"

A voice called out from somewhere nearby, causing me to blink, yet I stayed rooted to the spot. Staring up at the sky, I replayed my last encounter with Solanna over and over in my head. I remained in a state of disbelief. The revelation stung just as much now as it did then. I didn't know how to process the finality of her upcoming marriage. Every time I tried to make peace with it, the pain only deepened, slowly shattering whatever was left of my heart.

Huminga ako ng malalim bago lumingon. Hindi na ako nagulat nang makita ko si Naia. Sa kabila ng sakit at lungkot na nararamdaman ko, pinilit kong ngumiti sa kanya. Ang tagal na rin simula nang huli naming pag-uusap na dalawa. Kahit baliktarin pa ang mundo, kaibigan ko pa rin siya. She's my best friend.

"Naia..." mahinang sabi ko. Marahan akong umusog para makaupo siya. "Sure. Come, sit with me."

Binalik ko ang mga tingin ko sa madilim na langit. Malamig ang paligid, pero kahit papaano hindi namin 'yon mararamdaman dahil sa bonfire sa harap. Nanatili kaming tahimik na dalawa ni Naia. Andami-dami kong gustong sabihin, itanong, at malaman sa kanya, pero parang may nakabara sa lalamunan ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan. Hindi ko alam kung makakayanan kong malaman ang totoo.

"Kamusta, Zariah? Ilang taon kang walang paramdam, ah...?" bulong ni Naia.

Hindi ako nakasagot. Huminga ako ng malalim bago siya unti-unting nilingon. Seryoso siyang nakatitig sakin. Marahan ko siyang nginitian sa kabila ng bigat at sakit na nararamdaman ko.

"Sorry..." nakangiting sabi ko.

I'm torn on whether explaining my reasons for leaving is even necessary. It's in the past now, and speaking the truth won't rewrite history. I refuse to pile more onto the heavy load I'm already struggling with. I'm not sure I can survive the emotional toll of looking back at it all again.

"Hindi ka man lang nagsabing aalis ka. Hinanap kaya kita, pero kahit ang mga taong akala ko alam kung nasaan ka... Wala ring clue kung saan ka pumunta, Zariah," seryosong sabi niya.

Umiwas ako ng tingin. Bumigat pa lalo ang nararamdam ko habang pinapakinggan siya. Gusto kong magsalita, pero nawawalan ako ng lakas. Nawawalan ako ng boses.

"I'm your friend too, Zariah. Your best friend. But apparently, that wasn't enough for you to trust me with what was going on. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you ask for help? I knew you were going through something—I could feel it—but I was waiting for you to be ready to talk. I wanted to ask Helanna, but I knew that wasn't right. We wanted the explanation to come from you. We wanted you to open up about why you chose to disappear without a word."

Every word she uttered cut deep, like a sharp blade slowly twisting inside my chest. I knew Naia was right—her words were undeniable—but could they really blame me? Even if they knew the truth, I would still be leaving. Even if I laid out all my reasons, nothing would change the outcome. I'm not leaving because I want to. I'm leaving because I have no other choice.

"What made you think leaving without a word was the right choice? Did you honestly believe no one was willing to carry that burden with you? You acted as if you were alone, ignoring everyone who cared... Tell me—are you happy with what you've done? Did you really manage to handle it all on your own? Are you even okay? Because damn it, Zariah... you are so incredibly selfish."

Her words left me even more speechless, the weight of them settling deep within me. Perhaps she's right. Perhaps I really am selfish.

It is a strange kind of selfishness, though—born from a desperate need to shield everyone else from the agonizing weight I carry. I've always believed that if I could just keep the pain to myself, no one else would have to suffer. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want them to witness the messy, broken parts of my life or see me crumbling under the pressure. I thought I was protecting them by shutting them out, but in doing so, I've only isolated myself. Maybe, in my attempt to be selfless by suffering alone, I've been selfish all along.