Meant to be.

Burden

⚠️TW- self harm
            - self deprecating thoughts

Meredith's POV

I'm so stupid why couldn't I just be normal, Arizona and Addison do so much for me and I can't even be good enough for one week that Arizona could slip and feel good. God my mum was right I'm such a burden,
I quickly make my way back to the crib, I don't want them to know I was there, then they will feel bad and I don't want that I'm such a burden already I don't want to make them feel worse.

***
The next morning
Arizona's POV
Addie and I both wake up before Mer which means I can home some time to slip while Addie's still home before she leaves for work, I've got the day off again, Addie and I where meant to alternate but then her big case came in and she couldn't take time off so I said I would stay home, plus it meant I got to spend more time with my baby, as hard as I can be I love spending time with her and doing things to make her laugh, hearing her laugh fills my heart with joy,
"Pumpkin, are you ok?" She asks me as she brushes my hair, I don't have work today so it doesn't need to be braided or anything but I like the feeling,
"Yeah Addie I'm just thinking." I reply,
"Ok my love don't forget you can always talk to me." She says pulling me up into her lap,
"I know Addie, thank you. I love you," I say resting my head on her collar bone.
"I love you to Zona." She says,
We sit there together for a while before Addie checks the time and realises she needs to leave for work
"Are you going to be ok?" She asks, gently rubbing my back,
"Yeah I will be, I'll get Mer some breakfast when she wakes up, and we will be fine don't worry, getting to regress last night and this morning has been really great I feel a lot better." I reply,
"Good I'm glad, remember I'm only a phone call away plus my big surgery is today so I should be home a bit earlier and then I've got tomorrow off so if you need to you can either go to work or stay with us. I think tomorrow is going to be difficult for Meredith bring her mums birthday." Addison explains and I agree,
"I agree, thank you Addie." I say smiling, as we both stand up so she can get ready for work, I enter the nursery to get Meredith up but she's already awake reading to herself
"Morning bug," I say smiling
"Good morning Arizona," she replies and I'm shock she hasn't spend much time out of her regression this past week,
"Did you sleep ok?" I ask,
"Yeah" she responds barely looking up from the book in front of her,
"Should we get some breakfast?" I ask walking towards her to carry her but instead she just gets up and walks past me,
"It's ok Zona, I don't feel like a need to regress right now," she says smiling from the door,
"Ok, my love, do you want the same as normal for breakfast?" I ask,
"Yeah but I'll get it Arizona it's ok." She replied walking into the kitchen,

***
The end of the day,

I'm sitting with Meredith on the couch when Addison walks in,
"Hey my little monkeys," she says smiling,
"Hi Addie," Meredith says from next to me,  Addie looks shocked for a second but tries to hide it,
"Did you have a good day?" She asks,
"Yeah we watched some tv and chatted, and I made some lunch." Meredith replied before I could, and she's right she didn't regress all day, I'm not quite sure why, but she's seemed ok all day, she didn't seem to be fighting it that I could see,
"Oh well done," Addison responds, "Did you regress at all today?" She asks looking at both of us,
"No, we didn't," I reply, it didn't feel right for me to regress today when Mer wasn't,
"Ok well I'm home now if you guys want to, I'll start making us some dinner." Addison says with a soft smile,
"Thanks Addie" I say, smiling at Mer,
"I'm ok but thank you," Meredith replies looking back at the tv,
"Ok, my love as always there is not pressure just do whatever makes you feel comfortable,"

Addison's POV

I'm not sure what's going on with Mer, but she seems happy so I'll let it slide for now, I can see Arizona biting her lip slightly, so I walk over to her, picking her up,
"Pumpkin, I'm home now, so you can let yourself go if you want." I coo,
"Ok Addie," she says, and I feel her relax in my arm,
"Addie?" She asks,
"Yeah pumpkin," I say smiling,
"Can I help you make dinner?" She asks giggling,
"Sure my love, Mer?" I ask and she turns to look at me, for a second I swear I see some tears in her eyes but she blinks and they are gone,
"Yeah" she replies
"I'm just going into the kitchen to make some dinner and Ari's going to help me, just call if you need anything." I say and she nods,
I'm worried about her something doesn't feel right, but I don't want to push it right now, if I push it she may start to shut down again,
I enter the kitchen with Arizona on my hip as she hums happily to herself,

Meredith's POV
I can hear Arizona and Addison laughing in the kitchen, I want to be in there but I can't, the food and the knifes it's all to much if I don't let myself slip but I can't do that because then I'm a burden,

Then I hear Addison's calling me for dinner, I walk in slowly and she's made pasta, normally I like pasta but it's got some weird smell to it, I don't like this, normally I would ask for something else that's what Addison has told me to do, and that she doesn't  mind but I can't do that her and Arizona made dinner I just need to suck it up and eat it, even if it's making me feel sick, I manage to eat about a third of it before I just can't stomach anymore,
"I'm so proud of you," Addison coos as she takes me plate, I don't know why, I didn't even eat half of it, normally she tells me to eat at least half, god I'm so pathetic. I can't keep doing this, I excuse myself to bed opting to sleep in the crib again so I'm not disturbing them, when Addison walks in to move me to the big bed in the middle of the night I tell her I don't want to, she tries to insist at first but I refuse, eventually she relents and goes to bed herself,
Once I'm certain she and Arizona are asleep I look around the nursery feeling guilty, they spent all this money on me, when the shouldn't have I'm worthless I don't deserve any of this, i carefully walk out to the living room, before reaching the kitchen, I just need the release, I grab the knife and slice it across my arm silently sighing at the relief, I make sure it's not too deep I don't need to get halfway down the road and pass out. I quickly clean the knife before heading for the door. Looking back towards Addison and Arizona's bedroom, they'll be fine without me, they have each other, they don't need the burden that is me. Arizona will be able to slip all she wants and get Addison's undivided attention. I open the door praying it doesn't make a sound before stepping out into the street.
I know where I'm going, or at least I think I do, as I start to walk down the road...

Authors Note

Hope you enjoyed,

Please leave comments and ideas,

Hopefully Meredith's ok,
What are Arizona and Addison going to do when they wake up and Meredith's not there.