Endgame ~ Taylor Swift x Travis Kelce

one last moment

tw: depression, eating disorder, suicide, mental health, body image, self-harm

smut warning

please don't read this if any of these are triggering or sensitive topics. take care of yourselves. 

Taylor

I couldn't do it anymore. 

The smiles. The acting. The pretending. The lies. 

I couldn't fucking do it. 

I pulled the blanket around me tighter, hoping the fabric would somehow shield me from it all. My skin felt cold, and I wasn't oblivious to the goosebumps or the tiny hairs that prickled up along my skin, but the chill in the air barely registered. My body was too exhausted to care. It was like I was living in some sort of shell, barely existing, barely feeling.

I lifted my hand, trembling, and let my fingers trace the jagged lines across my wrist. They were still so fresh, the skin angry and raw. I hated myself for doing it, but it felt like the only way to remind myself I was still alive, still here in this body, even if my soul was somewhere else. It should've scared me, the way I had let myself slip this far, but it didn't. It didn't scare me anymore. Nothing did.

I shuffled around a bit, trying to find a position that felt semi-comfortable. When that didn't work, I forced myself up. Curling up under a blanket wasn't helping. I breathed, taking heavy steps into the ensuite bathroom. 

Unfortunately, I was met with my own reflection. 

I hated myself. God. I really fucking did. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd looked in a mirror and actually liked what I saw. My brain had been wired to only point out the flaws. Only see the parts of myself that I hated - which lately was everything. 

All I could see were the dark circles buried deep beneath my eyes, the way my collarbones were visible through the thin fabric of my shirt, the way my hair was gradually getting thinner by the day. My eyes flicked to my wrists, the red, still very noticeable slices that sat there. I was very rarely bare below my elbows. I was glad it was winter, otherwise I'd be questioned as to why I refused to take off my hoodie. 

I knew Travis was downstairs and wouldn't come up, so I had no reason to hide right now — I'd told him I was taking a nap, which in all fairness, I had tried to do, so it hadn't been a complete lie. But sleep was foreign to me. I struggled to push away the thoughts and truly shut off my mind. Travis knew I'd been having trouble sleeping — he didn't know why. That wasn't something I'd even tried to open up to him about. I didn't ever plan on it.  

I got lost in my thoughts for a moment, before getting interrupted by the loud grumble of my stomach. I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut for a moment. My body was hungry — I knew that. It was yelling at me for food. 

Reluctant, but knowing I didn't really have a choice, I grabbed one of Travis's hoodies and tugged it over my head, pulling the sleeves over my hands before heading downstairs. I could hear Travis humming to himself — a recent trait of his that I loved — and followed the sound. As usual, I took a breath, and plastered a smile onto my face before rounding the corner. I wasn't going to burden him, especially when I was so close to losing this battle. There was no point now. Nothing could save me.  

"Hey beautiful, did you get some sleep?" My husband smiled at the sight of me, his dimples growing deeper. 

"Yeah, I feel better now." I lied, but with a smile on my face so real not even Travis would be able to tell something was wrong. 

"That's good," He reached out, taking both of my hands gently in his, and I could've sworn I felt like my skin was going to break. Shatter into a million pieces like glass. I didn't feel real. My body felt like a separation from my mind. "I was just about to start on some pasta for dinner, does that sound okay my love?"