We are...คือเรารักกัน (We are... we are in love)

Chapter 72: Always in My Heart

[*This chapter hasn't been proofread.]

Everything is over now, and it ended by my own hands. Time slowly passes by, and every time I realize I'm still breathing, I try placing my hand over my heart and wonder why I'm still alive, why I haven't died yet. Is my heart still beating?

It's bizarre that my whole world has fallen apart while other people's lives seem to continue as if nothing has happened. I had to struggle to keep moving forward because, in the real world, the bad things that happen in one person's life rarely affect others. Life keeps going as usual. Realizing this made me care less about other people's opinions. I stopped worrying about what anyone thought of me. I no longer felt nervous about going places alone—nothing could hurt me more than this.

I'm still alive, though it feels like I'm merely getting by, breathing, day by day. Even with many friends around me, I feel utterly alone, grappling with a loneliness I'm not used to. Happiness feels distant, like an unfamiliar word I've never truly known. I began to wonder about my life before Phum—what was it like? But I can barely picture it. Whether I'm eating, drawing, watching TV, walking, or doing anything, my thoughts are consumed by Phum. Still, I tried to tell myself to endure.

I still went to school and worked on my projects for class. I could hear the teacher's voice and everything being said, but I didn't comprehend the meaning—it felt like the words just drift into my ears and pass through. Even when my friends were talking, I saw them smile, so I smiled along. When they laughed, I laughed too, even though I didn't understand what they were talking about.

I felt like a robot following instructions—when someone gives me input, I act, but if no one tells me or gives orders, I just sit still, unresponsive to my surroundings. It was as if this body, breathing as it is, no longer feels anything.

But saying I have no feelings wouldn't be entirely accurate. I can't breathe properly every time I realize that today, Phum is no longer by my side. There's no one holding my hand, no smile from Phum that I loved to see, and nothing is left except for loneliness.

Yesterday, I walked out of my faculty building without knowing where I was going. I barely even realized what I was doing. By the time I came to my senses, I was being scolded by a senior from another faculty because I had walked in front of her car and even walked in the middle of the road.

I then understood that no matter how strong we are or how positive we try to be, there are moments of sadness and weakness that can make us want to hurt ourselves. Just a split second is enough to make us feel that way. But even though I hurt so much I don't want to breathe, I will keep living.

But there were still many things holding me back, and I couldn't bear the thought of leaving scars on those who were important to me. That thought kept me from reaching that point. Even though the pain was so overwhelming that I didn't want to breathe and wished to disappear from this world, I resolved to keep going. I will keep on living.

I live to watch over Phum.

I often walked to the football field near the engineering building, the place where Phum and I first met. Deep down, I secretly hope to see Phum again, even if it's just from afar, just to catch a glimpse of his face.

I wonder how Phum is doing, whether he's still doing well, whether he can smile sometimes. If we ever meet again, would he greet me? Or maybe Phum is angry, maybe he hates me now. Would Phum want to remember the man who loved him with all his heart but also hurt him with his own hands?

But I've never had the chance to see Phum again, not even once.

Sometimes, I struggle to make sense of my own emotions. My mind is constantly filled with conflicting thoughts battling each other. Part of me was scared to revisit the places where Phum and I had shared so many memories. But in the end, I found myself walking through those familiar spots. I went to the mall, to Siam Square. I even went to eat at our favorite restaurant, and it hurt—just as much as I knew it would.