In The Stars - (PewDieCry)

-Chapter 53-

a/n:

Hey guys! Kind of a random request, but would you please comment your favorite songs/singers/bands and things like that? I would like more music :D

also um i

i actually cried while writing this chapter. it digs very, very deep. just a warning.

Deuces. :3

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[cry's pov]

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It's getting colder as I walk away. I probably should've stayed behind, but I didn't. I didn't listen to him and I guess now I've dug myself into a deep hole. Well, a deeper hole. My whole life has just been me digging my own grave.

Everything that really happened here is my fault.

There's a small path I'm following now. I walk over a small bridge that covers a winding creek. Everything seems so bright- the snow, and the light that flows through the branches. But at the same time, everything seems dead. It may be bright, but no wild animals are around. Flowers don't grow. No green peeks out from anywhere. Time goes on.

The crunching of the snow beneath my feet is starting to grow more obnoxious by the second. Before it was a comforting sound, but as the converse I'm wearing start to sink and become soaked it's just getting painful.

A few minutes later of stubborn walking, I find that I'm too tired and my feet hurt too much to stand. There's a huge tree that I find around thirty seconds later. The trunk opens up into this weird hollow which I barely fit into. I bring my legs up to my chest and bury my face into my knees.

I don't know what happened back there.

Part of me wants to say that I was just jealous like he thinks. But I'm not. That's not the reason for anything anymore. All of this it just... it feels awful. It feels amazing and that's why it's so awful because I don't deserve to live this happy life I'm receiving. I've done so many bad things and hurt so many people that I don't deserve what I'm getting. And now everything is changing suddenly and I'm supposed to act like I'm at peace and I'm happy when all I've ever been was unhappy and killed people and destroyed things.

Now I'm supposed to live here and learn how to build things up and I don't think I can.

All I've ever had are red hands. And now the snow is wiping away the blood and... I'm finding this isn't exactly what I wanted.

Change is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever experienced; more so than love.

>>>>

I wake up to absolute darkness. My first reaction is of fear but slight relief.

(oh gosh i've died before i can face him)

(face him and tell him that somehow i'm still unhappy)

Then I realize that I am, in fact, not dead, but stuck. The snow is compacted in the front of the tree and is spilling into the hollow. I kick at it, but it's so solid and my limbs are feeling weaker and weaker. A faint thought that this could actually be serious arises, but I brush it off.

God damn, I'm cold.

There's no way to tell how much time has gone by. Or if Felix is worried and looking for me at this point. He could be looking, or maybe he's just waiting for me to come back. I hug myself and try to keep the cold out, but it still manages to sink in and my clothes start to soak. I could die here, I realize. If he doesn't find me, there's no doubt that I'm going to die of hypothermia.

Still, I don't yell in hopes that he will hear me. My mind starts to wonder. Will it be peaceful? Going with the cold? Or is it going to hurt and all my limbs are going to fall off and... I start to shake. Without meaning to, my lip starts to tremble.

I've never been so sorry in my whole entire life, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because I can tell he thinks I'm happy, and he thinks I should be content but I'm just not. I'm scared, god damn it all. I'm scared of changing who I am and wiping the blood off of my hands and living with everything I've done. Every day there's one memory or another that I think about here with all the silence of the forest. And every damn day I put on a smile because things have changed and since they changed I should be happy, right? But I'm not.

"I'm not happy," my mouth says without me noticing. "I'm not happy, oh god why can't I just be happy?" The cold has numbed my whole body, and it's a struggle to move my lips. The temperature is dropping and I can tell that night is falling. It's only going to get colder from here. The shaking of my body stops after a while. I'm so tired... I can't think anymore.

A hush falls over anything, and even though it was quiet before too... it wasn't a peaceful quiet like this one is. This one has so many possibilities that are different from the path that I've chosen- possibilities that won't change things so suddenly for me.

Things that will take me back to the start.

Maybe let me redo everything? To choose something different that this time?

(we don't get a fresh start that isn't how this works)

And I'd like to be cheesy and say that I wouldn't want this fresh start because it would take me away from Felix. Felix, with eyes that are blue like mine but a different kind of blue; a blue that's like the sky and the sea while mine are just a desolate winter night.

I love Felix, I love him more than I've ever loved anything.

I just despise myself more.

And that fact has always been in the way.

"I'm sorry." My mouth can barely move at this point. Everything comes out in a slow croak. "I'm sorry I've hurt and destroyed everything that's been close to you. I'm sorry that I can't do anything right for you anymore because in this place you're the one who has to protect me. And I think... it's always been that way. You protecting me. I can fight, and fight, and fight all I want but in the end what you've done is something that changed me and protected me and almost cured me."

I try to take a deep breath, but all I inhale is snow. It's getting harder to breathe and talk. My thoughts are muddled, and combining with all the sounds and the color white.

"The thing is, I never protected you, even though I tried. I never loved you correctly because I was too focused on trying not to hurt you. I was too focused on hating myself. Even when I told you I loved you... I never correctly could. I hate myself for it because I do love you. And deep down, I know I could love you more and we could both protect each other. Deep down I know there's some piece I'm missing and it's keeping me from being whole. And I know that if I found it, maybe I'd be able to help you more. Make your life better. But now I can't."

Tears are freezing on my cheeks.

"Because now I'm going to die, and I can't make anything right."