All I Need to Stay Sane {Lynn Gunn}

I Always Seem To Let You Down

{unedited}

"Are you serious Alex? What do you want? You don't do shit! You aren't a little kid anymore. Grow the fuck up and do something for once," my mom snapped, throwing down the rag that she had been wiping the counter with. "Really awesome pep talk mom, great job. Oh, and fuck you too," I spat, racing up the stairs, trying to hold back tears. I knew my parents were disappointed in me. The thing was, no matter what they said, I still didn't care enough to try.

I didn't know what was wrong with me, and I hated myself for it. 

I opened my bedroom door and slammed it behind me, falling face forward on my bed. I shut my eyes tightly, trying to suppress the anger inside of me from the conversation with my mother. I knew I should get something done for once. I wasn't always like this. I used to do homework, even if I didn't want to. I used to have a few friends.

Now I had absolutely nothing. 

I sat up and looked to the side, wondering if I should pick up my computer and do some work. I stared at it for several minutes, not wanting to leave the comfort of my own bed, what little I could still feel. I decided against it and sat by my window instead, gazing down the street. I watched as the leaves fell from the trees and onto the ground slowly. 

I wondered what would happen if I just disappeared. Would anyone even miss me? Or would my parents finally get to breathe fresh air, not having to worry about me anymore? I was just a little detail in this shitty world I had to live in. I wasn't important, I wasn't significant. People could live without me. It wouldn't be a big loss. I mean, what reason did I have to continue living? There was nothing, no one. I was all alone in my own personal hell and it was killing me.

I let out a grunt of frustration and stood up quickly, knocking over my lamp. I watched as it shattered against the hard wood floor, the pieces of glass flying around my feet. I cursed, kneeling down to pick everything up. I held the glass in my hands tightly, feeling it puncture the soft skin of my palms. I ignored the blood dripping down my arm and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to find some purpose in the pain. There was nothing, so I unclenched my tight fist and let the glass drop to the floor.

I stood up and opened the door to my bathroom, turning on the sink. I watched as the water turned red beneath my hand, letting the soap I applied sting the cuts. I winced slightly before turning the faucet off, drying my hand with an old rag. I applied pressure while I looked through the cabinets for some gauze. 

I pulled out a box and grabbed a few, placing them on the palm of my left hand. I took some medical tape to hold it down and breathed deeply, proceeding to clean everything up.

There was still glass on the floor that was covered in a bit of blood, so I picked up the large pieces and sweeped up the smaller ones, throwing them in the trash. I couldn't let my mom find out. Not only would she watch me even closer, she would get even more mad, and I couldn't have that. 

I sat back down on my bed and pulled out my lap top, deciding to write my essay for history. Maybe that would make my parents happy, or at least my teacher. 

After about an hour of planning and research, I was halfway done with my essay, so I saved it and turned my computer off, putting it on my desk. I had until Friday, so I could work on it the next day. I didn't feel like doing my math homework, so I ignored that and lied down in bed, feeling exhausted.

My mind began to drift to Lynn and what she had said the other day. I didn't understand what she meant. I didn't have anything in my life that was meaningful. Just my endless failure and disappointed parents. What was meaningful about that?

What did she mean by it? What did I have to look for? 

I shook my head and sat down at my desk, opening my laptop once again. I didn't do any work, just listened to music as I stared at the wall in front of me, hoping something in my life would change soon, or finally come to an end.

Sorry this has taken so long - I had to catch up with school and bleh

How are you guys?