All I Need to Stay Sane {Lynn Gunn}

No Control

Two days later I was transferred from the E.R. to a psych ward for young adults.

A month passed.

They asked me to leave my school. I had missed too much and they didn't want to keep me. I had no idea what I was going to do. Everything was just getting worse.

My stomach ached and my eyes burned from the lack of sleep I had gotten. They had stuck me with needles and I.V.s and wouldn't let me go to the bathroom with the door closed anymore. They took away my shoes, all the strings attached to my clothing. They took away my phone too, and if I wanted to contact anyone, it had to be during phone hours with the ones attached to the wall.

It was nicer than I had imagined. The people were kind, and so were the nurses who watched us during the day and checked on us every fifteen minutes at night.

"Alexandra, you have a visitor," one of my nurses told me, turning my attention away from the deck of cards I was shuffling for a game. I glanced at the clock and realized it was visiting hours, and I was hoping Dane had come and brought some food.

I turned around and walked over to the front counter, only to have my eyes land on my girlfriend. "Lynn?!" I exclaimed, walking over to hug her tightly, a smile on my face. "Hey there, stranger," she laughed, hugging me back.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, walking back into the common area with her. "Are we allowed to go outside?" Lynn wondered, turning back to the nurse who nodded. The outside area was surrounded by glass walls and had a ceiling made of net so there was air inside. There were benches and cement tables for people to eat with their families when they visited.

I followed her out there after the nurse unlocked the door, leaving us alone. We sat down across from each other and she sighed, removing her sunglasses.

"How are you?" she wondered, her voice calm and quiet. "Fine. What made you come here?" I asked again, putting my hair up into a bun. "I wanted to see you. And talk to you. Look, this isn't easy," she warned, running a hand through her hair like she always did. I glanced at the multiple rings on her fingers, one of them a silver lion.

She had her hair down and I admired the way it cascaded over her jacket, her lips in a straight line. "Is everything okay?" I asked, suddenly worried.

"I need..I need to tell you something. And I'm sorry. But this is just...I can't do it. I can't be with you anymore," she mumbled, not making eye contact with me, but instead looking up at the light grey sky, her words seeming to echo in my skull.

"Why?" I croaked, tears threatening to fall from my eyes. "Because I need someone too. I hate being so far away and you need help. I can't worry about you and about myself at the same time. And I had to leave on tour with my band....we got an offer," she explained, looking somber.

"That's great, I'm happy for you. But we can work on the distance, we can work it out. Remember everything we said we would have?" I replied, searching frantically for a way to change her mind. This couldn't be happening.

"No, we can't. And you aren't going to school anymore. Look...you need to find something for yourself," she argued, shaking her head.

"Lynn, please," I begged, reaching across the table to touch her hand. She did not hold mine back, but instead stared at the image in front of her, her eyes filled with pain and sadness.

"I'm sorry. But we need time apart and you need to move on and so do I. I love you. I'm sorry," she said, pulling her hand away.

"What about all the promises you made? What about everything you said about never leaving? What happened to all those things you used to say?" I cried, suddenly angry at her for breaking every fucking promise. "They didn't work out. We didn't work out. I'm so sorry, Alex. I want this to work but we're in different places and I can't be yours anymore."

"You lied to me. You said you weren't going to hurt me. Yet here you are, doing exactly that," I said through gritted teeth, looking at her. She just sighed. "I know. Take care, Alex"

She got up and walked out of the outside area, leaving me alone in the cold.

My hands were still lying across the table, as if I was still reaching for her, trying to pull her back into my arms. My ears began to ring.

"Alexandra, it's time for group therapy," my nurse said as I stared at the table in front of me, tears running down my cold cheeks, the cold nipping at my neck, my heart barely beating.