All I Need to Stay Sane {Lynn Gunn}

Would You Bleed For Me?

I always woke up not being able to breathe.

Part of it scared me, but the other part made me feel better. For those couple of seconds, I felt like I had a clear mind, one where my thoughts didn't trouble me. But then I would catch my breath again and snap back into reality. I hated it.

I threw my covers to the side and stood up, running my hands through my dark hair. I stood up and winced at the feeling of the cold wood floor beneath my bare feet. I opened my drawers and grabbed a random shirt and flannel, along with some jeans that probably had a significant amount of rips in them.  I got dressed quickly before brushing my hair and teeth, avoiding my reflection in the mirror.

I grabbed my backpack before walking down the stairs and into the living room. My mom was probably still asleep, and my dad was at work. I never really saw him much. He was always at meetings or staying late at the office to finish up whatever work he needed to. My mom stayed home and mostly cleaned. I always felt bad, wishing she could have kept her old job. I knew she loved working at the book store, but they had to lay off some people.

I decided to skip breakfast and opened the front door, biting my bottom lip once I noticed how cold it was outside. It was still partially dark, so I walked slowly to school. I listened to the several cars passing by, staring at my feet. I soon got used to the bitterly cold weather, feeling my face gradually warm up. I ignored the fact that my hands were numb and continued walking, hoping I would find the school on fire or something like that.

Unfortunately, when I got there, it wasn't, so I was forced to attend class. I got my stuff out from my locker and stuffed them in my bag, hoping the day wouldn't be too painful.

The only friend I really had was named Jenna. She had light blond hair and beautiful blue eyes. She was a great person, but she had other friends too. She was hanging out by her locker, her face buried in a book. "Hey," I said, taking a seat beside her. "Hey," she replied, putting down her book.

"I hate it here," I told her, leaning my head against a locker. "Me too. Only the rest of this year though. Just keep telling yourself that, okay? It's all gonna be okay," she promised me, touching my shoulder. I nodded, not sure how anything could ever work out for me.

The bell rang and I got up slowly, heading to my first class, math. Perfect way to start the day. Jenna said bye and walked in the other direction, leaving me alone once again.

I found my seat in math and pulled out my notebook, scribbling down some lyrics while the teacher Mr. Gaskarth tortured us. I didn't pay much attention, so when he passed out the homework, I had no idea what I was doing. I could probably ask Jenna how to do it, but I'd just feel guilty later. I sighed and shoved it in my bag, hoping I would remember to do it once I got home. I stared at the clock, begging for class to be over.

I wished I had something to distract me. I knew something was missing from my life, but I had no idea what. I missed something that didn't exist and probably never would. I wished I had a reason to stay. I honestly didn't know why I stuck around. Maybe it was because I didn't want to hurt Jenna. But maybe it was because I was scared too. I was scared to end everything and let myself go. I didn't have the guts to say goodbye forever.

"Hey Alex?" Mr. Gaskarth said from behind me as I made my way to the door. I turned around to face him. "Yeah?"

"Is everything okay? I've just noticed you always seem upset and withdrawn," he told me, beginning to erase the notes from the whiteboard. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired," I lied, brushing my hair over my right shoulder. "Are you sure? You can always talk to me," he replied, a worried expression painted on his face. I nodded. "I'm sure. Thanks though, Mr. Gaskarth," I said, turning around to leave.

"Uh--Alex?"

I turned around again.

"I'm always here if you want to vent or anything. I'm happy to try and help," he proposed, putting the cap back on his pen. I nodded and hurried out the door before he could say anything else.

I was late for my next class, science. I guess it didn't really matter since my teacher already hated me. I would probably get some extra homework, but I shrugged it off and took my seat next to this guy named Brendon. He was nice I guess, but really loud.

"Morning," he said, his voice still groggy from sleep. "Hi," I mumbled, dropping my stuff down on my desk. Ms. Williams didn't even notice me come in, so I figured I was off the hook as far as extra homework went. I stared at the board the entire time, deciding to take down some notes since my grade in that class was turning to shit. I guess I could try and study for future tests, but there was no way I was going to do that.

I listened to Brendon hum beside me, trying to figure out what song it was. Finally giving up, I began sketching in my notebook, looking up at the front every couple of minutes. I wanted the day to be over, but I knew the next day would just be the same all over again. The same boring routine that I hated more than anything.

Once the bell rang, I was out the door before Ms. Williams could yell at me for being late.

Hey guys! So I'm sorry this is so late. I know I promised the first chapter last week but I've been busy and a lot has been happening. I hope this is an okay start though. Things will get better for Alex though haha. Let me know what you think! (also this is unedited since I'm tired and bleh)

- claire