All I Need to Stay Sane {Lynn Gunn}

Touch

{Unedited}

"So, is this the last time I'm gonna be seeing you?" Ashley wondered, taking a drag of her cigarette. "I guess so, yeah," I mumbled, looking up at the sky as I drifted back and forth on the shitty swing at the park. 

She passed me her cigarette and I took a few drags before handing it back, letting the smoke burn the inside of my throat. 

"Sucks that I can't say all that I wanted to say to you," Ashley chuckled, looking to the side, her cigarette hanging out of her mouth, the smoke drifting up towards the sky. 

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused. Ashley just shook her head, tossing her smoke onto the ground and stomping it out. She stood up and ran a hand through her hair that she had recently cut. It was blond now, in sort of a pixie cut. It suited her.

"It's fucking pointless," she laughed bitterly, pulling on her coat and slipping her boots on that she had taken off earlier. "No, it's not. What did you want to tell me?" I asked, eager for an answer. I wanted to hear what she had to say. I had never seen Ashley like this before. It must have been important.

Ashley stood there for a moment, running her pink tongue along her chapped lips. She scoffed before opening her mouth.

"I think you're beautiful. Perfect, actually. But second's just not the same. I don't want to be second anymore. I didn't mean to fall in love," she confessed, her jaw clenched as she met my gaze. I paused, unsure of what to say. What was I supposed to say? She sniffed, as if she was about to cry. But when she looked into my eyes, her expression was blank, but I could see something else in her eyes.

She stepped forward and placed her hands on my jaw before kissing my passionately, her lips slightly rough against mine. When she pulled away, my eyes began to water. "I..I can't, Ashley. I have someone," I reminded her, my voice breaking mid sentence. She nodded. "I know. I know you do. I wasn't going to say anything. I couldn't help myself I guess. But you just make me feel less invisible," she muttered, taking out another cigarette.

She sniffed again as she lit it, taking a lot drag. "See you around, I guess. It was nice getting to know you," she said, her voice gravely as she turned to leave. She had only taken a couple of steps before I stopped her. "Wait!"

She turned around and faced me, the cigarette hanging limply. I walked quickly toward her and wrapped my arms around her curvy frame, her jean jacket harsh against me. She didn't move, just stood there, motionless.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, pressing my forehead against hers. "It's not your fault. I didn't mean for this to happen. It's best for me to be alone anyway, remember? I kind of create chaos around everything I love," she stated, pulling away. "You're gonna be great. Get out of this shit hole and go make something beautiful."

That was the last thing she said to me before she walked away for the very last time, her step never faltering. She never looked back, just headed back down the street to her house. I watched as the smoke swirled around her and disappeared into nothingness.

That weight I felt in my chest has never left.