All I Need to Stay Sane {Lynn Gunn}

I Hope That It's Enough

"Are you just going to lie there and do nothing? Don't you have homework or something?" My mom wondered, walking over to me. "No, I don't. And I'm waiting for my friend to pick me up," I replied quietly, sitting up and looking at her. "Alright, fine. Who's picking you up?" she asked me. "Her name's Lynn," I told her. I hadn't said anything to her about Lynn and I being together yet. My mom knew I liked girls, but I felt like if she found out, she would make my time with Lynn really limited.

"Okay. Your dad's at work as usual. He's going to be home late. Are you sleeping over there?" My mom pondered, walking back into the kitchen. Lynn and I hadn't really talked about it, but her parents were out of town for business. "Yeah, probably. We're just going to hang out and watch movies," I said, standing up. "Alright, that's fine with me. Let me know when you're coming home I guess," she stated, going over to the sink. 

"Okay. I will."

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I saw that it was Lynn. "She's here. See you," I said before walking out the front door. Lynn saw me and waved to me through the window before I got in beside her. "Hey," I said, looking over at her. "Hi, Alex," she replied, pulling out of the driveway. "I missed you," she added, sipping at a drink. I looked back up at her. "You did?" 

Lynn rolled her eyes at me. "Of course I did."

I gave her a small smile. "I missed you too."

She grinned and looked back at the road. "What do you want to do today? I have a lot of movies and stuff. We could also go back to the park," she suggested, glancing at me. "Movies sound good," I answered, playing with the rip in my jeans. "I agree."

Once we got to her house, I grabbed my bag and followed her inside. "Hey, so...I was wondering if you maybe wanted to spend the night?" Lynn asked awkwardly, her cheeks turning a bright red. "Yeah, I'd like that," I mumbled, nodding my head. Lynn grabbed my hand and led me up to her room, turning on the light. I sat down on her bed and took off my shoes, crossing my legs. Lynn sat beside me and handed me a stack of movies. "What do you want to watch?"

I looked at each movie, glancing at the titles. My eyes landed on The Shining and I lifted it up, smiling. "That's one of my favorites," she told me. "It's mine too."

She put it in her computer and set it on her lap, pressing play. "Are you going to play me something today?" I wondered, looking up at her. I was lying on my side, leaning on her shoulder. "Yeah. I have something to play," she replied, smiling at me. Whenever she did that, I always wanted to be closer to her. I wanted her to know everything about me. I wanted to tell her every single thing. I wanted to be open about how I was feeling.

But then I'd snap out of that thought and hold myself back. "Is everything okay, Alex? I keep wanting to ask but I don't want to upset you or anything. I just noticed you look sad all the time and school just makes it all worse..." Lynn said, holding my hand. I sighed and thought for a moment, deciding if I should tell her everything or nothing. 

"I just...I don't know how to tell you. I don't want to be alive. I'm tired of everything in my life. My family, school, myself. I hate every little thing about myself. My personality, my body, my mind. I'm not good at anything. I ruin everything good in my life. I can't focus anymore. I just don't know how to keep living. I don't know if I can. But with you, it's different. I feel better. I feel like I have something to stay alive for," I admitted, feeling my throat close up slightly.

Lynn stared at me for a minute before I saw her eyes begin to water. "I'm so sorry. I don't ever want you to feel that way, Alex. I'm here for you, okay? Please don't give up on yourself. Everything will be okay, I promise. You matter," she claimed, stroking my cheek. "I really don't. I don't matter, Lynn," I argued, shaking my head. 

"Yes, you do, baby," she stated, continuing to stroke my face. She kissed me and I kissed her back, feeling safe again. She swiped my tears away with her thumb before kissing my forehead, then my lips once again. 

We were quiet for the rest of the movie, watching it intently. No matter how many times I had seen it, it always scared the shit out of me. 

Once it ended, Lynn paused the credits and looked down at me again. "Do you want me to play you something now?" she wondered. I nodded, making her shift beneath me. I moved so she could get up and grab her guitar. She sat back down on her bed in front of me and made sure everything was tuned correctly before she looked up at me again. "So, this song is called Only Love. I'm not sure if it's done yet."

I'm hoping you weren't heaven sent
Cause only hell knows where you've been
Your built composure's wearing thin
And all your walls are caving in
Before you shut this down
I just wanna lift you up
I'll take all this love I found
And I hope that it's enough

I saw you, yeah you, you're breaking down
I hope you, yeah you, you come around
Now don't you shut this down ooh no don't you give this up
I took all this love I found and I hope that it's enough is it enough?

If we don't bend then this might break
Please don't give into this pain
Just keep on counting down the days
And dream of me to keep you safe

Don't you shut this down
No, don't you give this up
I took all this love I found and I hope that its enough
I saw you, yeah you, you're breaking down
I hope you, yeah you, you come around
Now don't you shut this down oh no don't you give this up
I took all this love I found and I hope that it's enough, is it enough?

Don't you shut this down 

Don't you give this up Don't you shut this down Don't you give this up Before you came around I was lost and out of place You're the only love I found and I'm hoping that you'll stay Please stay Please stay Please stay

When Lynn finished her song, I looked in to her eyes for a very long time. I wasn't sure how long, but it felt like forever. "It's for you," she finally said. I didn't say anything, just wrapped my arms around her waist and held her tightly, before she lied down. I didn't let go of her, just held her close and took in her presence, her warmth, her scent. Everything about her comforted me, made me feel sane for once. 

"I don't want you to give this up," she stated, running her hand through my hair. "I don't want to. You're the only thing that makes me happy," I replied, taking her hand in mine. "All I want is for you is to be just that."

"Then stay," I claimed, but it ended up sounding more like a question. "I never planned on leaving. You're important to me. I never thought I would meet someone like you," she murmured, turning on to her side so she was facing me. 

I kissed her then, and again and again. "Can we just lie here?" I asked her, pulling her closer so we were pressed against each other. She nodded and I closed my eyes just before she kissed me again.

I had never felt this peaceful in so long.

QOTD: What's something that makes you happy?