All I Need to Stay Sane {Lynn Gunn}

When Will I Learn?

{Unedited}

About a week later, I found myself in the same place I always had been. But worse. I had been feeling even more helpless than before. Lynn was still by my side, and so was Dane, but I had never felt more alone. It was the middle of March and I was terrified of what would happen once we all graduated. Would I lose Lynn? Would she leave me? Would she find someone who was actually worth her time? Who could make her happier than me?

I had only just arrived at school, and I knew I couldn't make it through the day already. I hurried to the bathroom, checking all the stalls to make sure they were empty before slamming the door behind me, locking it. I leaned against the door and felt my heart beat out of my chest, causing me to breathe heavier. All I wanted was for that violent beating to finally come to a stop.

The bell rang, but I didn't move. I couldn't. I couldn't cry either. Not yet, at least. All I could do was stare at the tile wall across the bathroom, the checkered pattern soon becoming blurry as my vision went out of focus. I blinked and I could see clearly again, but I immediately looked away, feeling my throat close up on me. It hurt, trying to hold everything in and not cry.

I couldn't take it anymore. I let myself explode in tears and made no effort to wipe them away. I didn't know what to do, or what to say. Was I just supposed to stay in the bathroom the whole day? Everyone would notice, especially the staff.

I couldn't do this anymore. I was stuck inside of these lines I drew. More like scribbles, really. Desperate scribbles that tried to depict a picture I couldn't paint.

I picked up my phone and stared at it for a moment, wondering if I should call my mom. What would she even say? Would she hate me? Would she send me away? Would she call me crazy?

I didn't care anymore. I had no more energy. I opened up her contact and pressed the dial button, trying to steady my breathing and shaking while I waited for her to pick up.

"Alex?" I heard her voice through the bad reception and I breathed in a shaky breath. "Mom.." I cried, crying harder. "Alex? What's wrong? Hang on, I'm coming to get you. Where are you?" she asked frantically, shuffling over the phone. "B-bathroom by the front of the school," I told her. "Okay. Stay where you are, I'll be there soon."

I hung up and buried my face in my hands, letting my self cry as much as I needed to. I didn't want anyone to see me like this, but what else was I supposed to do? I looked up at one of the mirrors and had a sudden urge to punch it as hard as I could, but I bit my tongue and hit my head against the door as hard as I could. I didn't really register the pain shooting through my spine, just stared at my hands until I heard someone bang on the door.

I turned around and unlocked it, backing away so they could open it. I saw my mom, looking around before she realized I was on the floor. "Alex, what happened?!" she exclaimed, kneeling down and putting her arms around me. I flinched before collapsing into her, not sure what to say. She just muttered something to herself and stood me up, wrapping her arm around my waist so she could lead me to the car. I stumbled along, feeling nauseous and dizzy at the same time.

My mom opened the backseat and I climbed in, not buckling myself. I just lied down, closing my eyes and trying to breathe even. My cheeks were still wet with tears and I wiped them away, watching my mom close the door and get into the driver's seat.

I don't remember falling asleep, but the car door opened and my mom helped me out, walking me into the living room. "Just lie here for a while okay? I'm going to get your dad to pick up some food. You can take a hot shower or bath if you want. We can talk about this tomorrow," she whispered, kissing my forehead. She tucked a blanket over me and I closed my eyes again, falling asleep.

//

I woke up to the sound of the front door opening and a few muffled voices. I opened my eyes, groggy with sleep. They stung from the salt in my tears and I rubbed my eyes, sitting up slowly. "Lex, are you okay? I heard about what happened," I heard Dane say. My eyes soon adjusted to the light and I could see his familiar face clearly. I saw Lynn trail in behind him, a concerned look on her face. "I'm fine. Better now," I answered, my voice slightly raspy. I was starting to get really warm, and Lynn walked over, sitting beside me. "Are you sure? I was so worried about you. I'm so sorry I wasn't there when I should have been.." she apologized, looking upset.

I shook my head but stopped once it made me dizzy all over again. "Don't be sorry, you didn't know. I'm better now. I'm sorry I worried you guys, really," I told them, leaning back into the couch. "That's okay. We're just glad you're alright now," Dane said.

"We brought some movies and ice cream," Lynn told me, smiling weakly.

"I'll leave you three alone. Let me know if you need anything," my mom stated, heading up the stairs. Dane and Lynn thanked her before turning back to me. "What do you want to watch? I brought 'Dope', 'American Horror Story: Murder House', season one of 'Weeds', and 'High School Musical' just cause," she giggled, holding up the DVDs. I smiled at her and pointed to 'Dope'.

Dane pumped his fist in the air, looking excited. "Favorite movie right there," he told us, doing a little dance in his seat.

"I'm getting ice cream. C'mon," Lynn said, taking my hand and pulling me up. I walked in front of her and led her to the kitchen, turning on the light. She had put the ice cream in the freezer so I opened it up, taking off the lid. I got out three bowls and spoons. Lynn scooped out a large heap of it for all of us. "Are you sure you're okay?" she wondered again, setting down the scooper.

"Yeah. I think," I said, unsure of what I was really feeling. She shifted in the spot she was standing, stepping toward me. She touched my cheek and kissed my lips softly, almost making me shiver. "Everything's going to be okay. I promise you, Alex," she claimed, stroking my cheek. I felt my eyes begin to water and I just nodded, biting my bottom lip.

She just smiled and walked back into the living room. I followed behind her, heading to the stairs. "I'll be right back," I told them, walking up the stairs. I opened my bedroom door and scavenged around for the Polaroid camera I had gotten a couple years before that I never really used. I found it under my bed and made sure there was a good amount of film in it before walking back downstairs.

I turned it on quickly before snapping a picture of Dane and Lynn sitting beside each other on the couch. Lynn snapped her head around. "What was that?!" she exclaimed. I just held up the piece of undeveloped film and she smiled at me. I watched as the image appeared and I smiled to myself. "Lemme see," Dane commanded, taking the camera and picture from me. He took a picture of me and pulled it out of the camera, waving it around in the air.

I took it back from him and watched as Lynn spread out her hands, her thumbs touching her temples. She put on a serious face and I snapped a picture, watching it develop. She laughed and kissed me, sitting back down on the couch. She pulled me onto her lap and Dane started the movie. We all ate our ice cream in silence.

But the type of silence that made you content.

QOTD: Are any of you going to Wintour? I can't cause the only concerts they have in California are like 6-8 hours away and I'm broke :( I'm so sad