Monsters Inside My Head

The Slow Fade - A World of Grey

I didn't realize it was the poison--

not until it was too late,

until everything fell apart and I could not feel anything.

I started to care less,

less,

and even less, 

until I didn't care at all--

not about anything.

My hair became greasy,

coarse,

unkempt,

dirty.

I cannot remember the last time I showered--

too much work;

it's exhausting;

not worth it.

The clothes pile up

no, they are not dirty

there's just no point in moving them.

Food is just a chore now

no taste,

no longer appealing--

what is the point?

Just give me coffee,

black coffee

that is all I need--

warm bitter nectar from the gods.

school,

homework,

college,

tests,

friends,

parents,

responsibility.

Please leave me alone...

I DON'T CARE

I DON'T CARE

I DON'T CARE

Too much

it's all too much

let me crawl in a hole--

I wanna crawl in a hole,

just lay there,

and die.

I feel nothing--totally numb

it is miserable

I desperately want to feel something--

anything

not being able to feel,

it scares me.

I am no longer human

because I cannot feel.

But how can I go on like this?

Pretending is exhausting

now I'm a liar,

a fake,

a monster,

someone I'm not;

no, this is not me.

But, without the snake,

whispering bugs,

and puppeteer,

who am I?

I thought this was normal.

Please, tell me

what is it like

to live in a world of color,

instead of a world of grey?

My world has been drained of color for so long,

my mind melted from the monsters,

that all I know is grey.

I do not even notice how dull,

lifeless,

bland,

boring,

and miserable grey is

because that is all I know,

all I have known;

for years, now--five long years in grey.

And I'm scared,

so fucking scared

because all I have known is grey for so long.

Dare I experience color,

I am lost--

lost and afraid;

afraid of feeling again,

afraid of the me who is no longer controlled--

the real me. 

I do not know the "real me",

perhaps I never will.

And that scares me

not only because I will be forever trapped in grey,

but also because I am so scared of myself--

of being in complete control of myself,

and not knowing what to do or say.

Because, for so long, they have controlled my thoughts,

my actions,

and (to an extent) my words.

But that fear will not stop me

for I shall never give up the pursuit of color,

be it only a little at a time--

if that is all I can obtain--

then that will suffice

yes, that will suffice.

I long for just a little bit of color, no matter what I must go through to obtain it.

For a world of grey

is no world at all,

just misery.