Monsters Inside My Head

Intimacy - My Greatest Fear

For everyone else it is so easy,

so easy.

The movies make it look glamorous and exciting.

My friends all talk about how wonderful it feels.

But for me?

Nothing scares me more.

To be completely vulnerable with someone--

whether it is physical or not--

is something I cannot easily do.

I was taught to not feel, you see,

to bury my emotions so far down that I cannot ever access them.

As a child I was alone--

kept to myself--

so there was no one to share my thoughts with,

no one but myself.

Dare I try to speak, I stutter and falter--

how incredibly stupid I feel!--

if only I could be as articulate verbally as I am in the written word.

I hear the Voice so often--

the lies she whispers to me:

"No one will understand"

"You're just burdening them with your petty problems"

"They don't care"

"You're exaggerating"

"You just want attention"

But, what is wrong with that?

So what if it's attention I seek?

What's it to you?

I just want what everyone else seems to have:

that magical bond--

a closeness beyond compare--

for someone to know my dark side and still love me.

The love of a parent does not count--

no, because they are supposed to love you--

that bond, that acceptance is not the same as what I desire.

I wish I could spill my secrets to someone,

that I could trust others.

But I cannot--

no, not so easily.

Feelings are foolish;

I shan't display my weakness to anyone

for I must always be strong.

(Is that not what you taught me, father?)

To avoid the hurt I must

close off my heart,

always be on guard,

bury my emotions until I am numb,

keep everyone within arm's reach.

You think this rather cold of me, do you not?

Perhaps it is.

Because I am actually quite fragile, you see,

that is why I must be always distant.

Intimacy, how you taunt me so with your glamour and warmth,

(I almost wish I could embrace you)

but you cannot seduce me

for I have long been cold as ice.

I am strong when alone

and frankly, I like it that way.