I see the smiles,
hear the laughter,
and read the words that describe the one emotion I have forgotten:
happiness.
I am confused,
confused by this elusive emotion--
what does it feel like?
I can read definition after definition but still not know;
I do not understand it.
What do you mean it is normal?
No, you lie.
Happiness is an illusion--
something humankind cannot attain simply by being.
Happiness is for the divine--
is it not?--
something we only think we have and understand.
I do not know happiness,
have not felt its embrace,
do not understand how it feels;
it is something I lack.
There is something wrong with me.
I should not lack happiness--
for it is a basic emotion, right?
Surely I should not have to work so hard to obtain something everyone else already has?
No, I do not deserve it--
how could I?
I am a terrible person,
so it is fitting that I do not understand or have happiness.
He thinks me not terrible, but he does not understand--
no, he does not understand--
he does not know the awful things I've said,
the hurtful things I've done.
How, then, can he say that I am not terrible--
that I do deserve happiness?
(He cannot)
How can he love me?
I do not understand.
But when we are together,
I smile,
I feel at peace,
I am not afraid,
I am unguarded.
How does he do this to me?
How can this boy make me feel this way--
be this way?
How is it that he brings me--
yes, I do believe so--
happiness even when he is not around?
Curious, I do think,
that after so long in the dark, even I--
yes, me--
can feel happiness.
YOU ARE READING
Monsters Inside My Head
PoetryWARNING: Some pieces may contain triggers for those who struggle with any form of depression or self harm. Please read with caution. I will often rearrange the chapters in the way I see fit, so please be patient and keep that in mind. This is my fir...
