Monsters Inside My Head

I Hate Fathers Day - Dear Dad

I know that you love me;

yes, I understand that completely.

But, Dad, you have caused me so much hurt

and made me cry so many tears,

that I cannot say for sure that I love you--

not as much as a child usually does.

You have your own hurts and struggles (as does everyone),

this I know well,

but does that justify all the pain I have felt because of you?

(It does not)

Any time I did anything--

anything--

wrong, you would yell at me.

Tears only earned more yelling--

so much pain.

I cannot express any emotion other than happiness to you

for I will just be yelled at more.

Because of this, I have learned to not feel;

I now hide my emotions deep inside.

Thanks to you, I cannot express myself--

it is so hard--

and I feel stupid.

I acknowledge all of the good, loving things you have done for me--

do not think they go unnoticed--

but they do not erase all the pain you've inflicted on me.

Perhaps that is selfish--

I do not know.

No, I cannot forget all the hurt.

Thanks to you, I cannot make a mistake without flinching in fear,

waiting for punishment of some kind, 

no matter how stupid the mistake may be.

(Ridiculous, right?)

This perfectionist side of me has caused me so much grief and anxiety,

that I dare not try anything new

because I will make mistakes, and mistakes are bad. 

And now I feel like a complete and utter failure--

I did not make all As in high school,

I still can barely speak my mother tongue,

I do not "try hard enough",

I am lazy.

You criticize everything--

and now I am overly self-conscious of any little thing I do,

all because of you.

So, no, I do not wish to celebrate this holiday,

because honestly,

you have hurt me too much to deserve my love.

Dear Dad, you are why I really fucking hate Fathers Day.

~ ~ ~

Author's Note: It really pisses me off when people say that kids should always love their parents or that they will always love their parents no matter what, when that's not true at all--it's total bullshit--so I wrote this. Because it's ok to not love your parent(s) if they've really hurt or abused you. It doesn't make you a bad person at all. Hopefully this'll help someone.

If you were gonna write a letter/poem to your dad, what would it say? Leave me a comment and let me know!