Monsters Inside My Head

The Voice in My Head - Her Endless Chatter

"You can't do it."

"I know you've done it before, but you still can't do it."

"You think you're completely sure, but you're not."

"You're a failure."

"You're gonna make a fool of yourself, you know that right?"

"Everyone's staring at you."

This endless chatter in my head

it brings sorrow,

it brings dread.

My confidence is shattered with every word

yes, I believe her.

There is no other argument,

none that will convince

for she is me,

and I am nobody.

Mistakes are bad,

far worse than what they really are

they ruin me--

they ruin me because of her.

My needs are of no importance--

how dare I think of myself first!

She has condemned me to suffer in silence,

in that loud, suffocating silence.

Dare I utter a word of my troubles

I am a burden,

attention-seeking,

far too open--too vulnerable,

an annoyance.

How dare I, a nobody, complain about my problems when I have it so well in every other aspect of life.

I do not go hungry,

I have plenty of clothes,

there is electricity and plumbing in my house,

I have money (not a lot, but enough),

I do not suffer from a terminal illness,

I am able-bodied,

and I am far away from violence.

So how dare I complain about the monsters in my head

when there are dying children,

abusive parents,

war,

sickness,

hate,

natural disasters.

For if you cannot see my suffering, is it really there?

There are days when I am ok

her chatter is not so loud,

the snake is not so powerful,

the bugs are silent.

Surely this means I am not actually sick

I just have bad days...

right?

"You're faking it"

"This isn't real, you're just overly sensitive"

"You pretend for attention"

"You're not suicidal, so you're not really depressed"

She is right

I am not sick enough--

this must not be real.

That is how it works,

is it not?

Her endless chatter,

so often I hear it

that means it is true--

the things she says.

Yes, it is all true.

I am not sick,

I just have bad days.