Barely Breathing//Ethis

3||

A/N: Warning: this chapter will contain some things that may be disturbing or triggering to some people Ily all :)

Chris' point of view:

Hideous.
Disgusting.
Fat.
Annoying.
Worst singer ever.
Everyone hates you.

My anxiety worsened each passing day until the only thoughts I had, were bad ones not to mention I keep having that same dream about Ethan and it's on my mind all the time. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just sad. All the time. Happiness is starting to feel like a fading distant memory, I barely know myself anymore. All I do know is that: I'm not good enough and I never have been, I need to be perfect, I must be perfect.
I tell myself as I stare into the mirror with tears slowly falling down my cheeks, all I see is this big ugly disgusting thing staring back at me. I don't want to be like this, resting my hands behind my head I pace around the bathroom letting all kinds of thoughts cloud my mind. After several minutes and many more tears I finally decided that I'm going to do it, I take a deep breath and I kneel in front of the toilet, the taste of the food still lingering in my mouth, on my tongue. I hate it. I have to get rid of it. I then proceed to put two fingers down my throat, triggering my gag reflex. I don't care how much it hurts or how many tears there are I'm going to do it. I keep my fingers at the back of my throat until they're eventually forced out by vomit coming up. I throw up straight into the toilet trying to be as quite as possible. I grip the sides of the toilet and continue throwing up until it feels like my stomach is completely empty and a feeling of guilt and satisfaction washes over me. However the tears won't stop because I know what I just did was terrible and disgusting but all of that gets overpowered by the bad thoughts telling me that I should do it again, that it will make me perfect.
I can't leave the bathroom until I've stopped crying because I don't want anyone to see that I have been crying, little own find out about what I just did.
All of this overthinking seems to have made my breathing become much heavier until I'm having a full blown panic attack. I can't breathe and I can't speak, trying my best to ignore the throbbing pain in my body I run from the bathroom, down the stairs and outside. I sit on the steps leaning forward in the hopes that that will give me a better chance of getting some air into my lungs. I'm not quiet sure due to the ringing sound in my ear but I'm sure I heard someone call my name from the doorway and sure enough, I look beside me to see Jakob sitting next to me. He slowly puts an arm around my back not saying anything, thankfully. I cover my face not wanting him to see me crying as my breathing returns back to normal.

"Chris, it's okay." He says, it's not. I know it's not. It hasn't been for so long, despite this I find myself nodding my head just to make him happy.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks adjusting his position slightly so he can see me better, I shake my head, no. He can't know. I don't normally keep secrets from the boys but lately it seems like that's all I've been doing. I hate this secrecy but something tells me that the boys have little secrets of their own that they're not wanting to share.

"How are you?" I ask wiping my eyes and sniffling slightly as it begins to rain lightly

"I'm great, I can't wait for the next live shows. It'll be great to go back to our roots" he smiles excitedly, out of all of us I have to say that Jakob is the least professional, well I guess Ethan and I have had that little bit of extra practise.

"You sure you're okay?" He asks with concern evident in his voice making even harder to lie to him.

"Yeah I'm fine" I reply nodding, he then gets up giving me one last glance before leaving me outside, alone once again. I decide that it's time that I too went inside as it is now fairly dark and I'm so cold not to mention soaking wet and shivering.

I walk straight to the kitchen to get a warm drink to help me warm up when of all people I run into Ethan.

"Oh my god Chris you're freezing," he rushes grabbing a blanket from the couch and wrapping it around me, he hand lingers on my shoulder and when he touches me I get this weird feeling in my stomach. Maybe I'm getting an ammonia or something. He quickly withdraws his hand and flashes me a quick smile.

"Can't have you getting a cold" he speaks moving over to the couch and motioning for me to sit next to him, I sit next to him making sure I keep my distance, Ethan reaches for the remote and turns the TV on. He begins flicking through all of the channels unable to find something to watch

"Why don't we just watch a movie?" He suggests standing up to pick a movie from the wide range of movies we have set up on many shelves in the corner.
He eventually picks one and puts it in the player, he rejoins me back on the couch not saying anything about what he has chosen to watch. I soon find out though when Clash Of The Titans starts playing, I look over at Ethan and see him already smirking at me. He knows I love this movie.
The movie begins to play and I try my hardest to focus on it and keep my eyes open but it seems that the more I try to stay awake the tireder I get and the heavier my eyes become. I give up on trying to stay awake and I let my eyes close and the darkness swarm, the last thing I remember is falling asleep next to Ethan at God knows what hour.