Barely Breathing//Ethis

42||

Ethan's point of view:

"Thank you" I sniffle trying my best to smile at him

"Don't thank me, I'm always here" he reminds me, looking at me with his big brown, caring eyes.

"What if you're not?" I ask trying to find the courage in me to look at him as I get this gnawing scared feeling in the pit of my stomach

"I will be." He assures me

"And what if I'm not?" I continue quieter than before looking down at my hands and fiddling with the sleeves

"Ethan what does that mean?" He asks me sounding a little more serious now

"I don't know- nothing, it means nothing" I quickly covers up, really hoping he doesn't pursue it any longer

"Ethan, I love you. I love you so much" he says flashing me a smile

"I know you do" is all I say sighing, I pull the duvet away from both of us and  I lie back on the bed.

"What's wrong?" he asks leaning forward to look at me

"Nothing." I say maybe a little too quickly, not meeting my eyes

"Do we have to do this again?" He says and I can tell he's getting a little agitated with me now

"What?" I ask still deciding to play dumb

"Ethan please just talk to me" he pleads sitting beside me now

"There's nothing to talk about." I persist, not wanting to talk about anything really

"A few minutes ago that's all you wanted to do and now you don't want to, come on Ethan." He presses on getting even more and more angry with me

I burst into tears, I don't know why I can't just find the courage to tell him. He keeps getting angry at me.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just thinking too much and I'm so emotional lately, my mood swings are all over the place." I apologise quickly, I don't want us to fight.

"It's okay, don't worry about it. That's understandable bub" he replies and I can see him instantly calming down

"I love you so much" I tell him

"I know, there's no reason to be crying now okay?" He says to me, wiping away a few of my tears

I give him a small smile and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.

"But I had this nightmare" I say quietly and I feel my smile falter

"I know, but that's all it was Eth; it was just a nightmare. It probably won't happen again and if it does, whatever it is. I'll be here."

"Okay," I nod "I think I'm just tired"

"Do you want me to stay or go?" He asks softly sitting back

"I just really want to sleep" I mumble not caring if he stays or goes

Chris' point of view:

"Alright, sleep tight Etho" I kiss his forehead,

I stand up and walk out of his room closing the door behind me and enter my own. I haven't spent much time in here without Ethan for a long time and it almost feels foreign to me.

I run a hand through my hair and begin pacing around.

I know what's going to happen; he's going to want space but I know he's going to tell me less and less.

"Chris," I hear Jakob knock "can I come in?"

"Sure." I breathe out sitting down on the foot of the bed

The door opens and Jakob comes in

"So, how'd it go?" He asks leaning against the wall

"I honestly don't know, we didn't talk that much and he just kind of cried and he didn't really want to talk, he said he was tired so I left, that's what I'm doing here." I tell him briefly

"Maybe he just needs a little space" Jakob says

"That's what I'm afraid of" I hang my head in my hands

"Everything will be okay. He's just needing time to process a lot, you did come out to your parents and then his rapist showed up so that's gotta be something he needs to think about." Jakob says, I don't see his point. I was there, I know all this and I'm his boyfriend aren't we supposed to help each other through this kind of stuff?

"I know, I just wish he didn't have to close up and not tell me things" I reply looking up at him now

"You know what he's like, he runs away from any kind of problems he has, this is how he copes, you just need to be there for him because he really needs you." Jakob walks over to the bed and sits beside me

"How am I supposed to do that when he won't let me?" I ask looking over to him

"He's insecure Chris, you know that. He pushes you away because he's scared, you just need to show him that he has no reason to be when he's with you"

"This is so complicated" I groan

"Bottom line is that you both love each other and you can work this out, you always do right?" He continues

"Yeah, but I don't know if I can keep doing this. It's so hard." I admit looking away

"That's love Chris, if it's hard, it's worth it." He says patting my back before standing up and leaving without another word.

I lie back on my bed letting out a loud sigh, I know exactly what's going to happen; he's going to shut me out and we're going to end up in some kind of fight. I wish we could just go back to the way things used to be, before everything got so complicated. It almost feels like a job, I have to look after Ethan almost all the time and it gets tiring sometimes.

I love Ethan and I know he loves me but is this really how a relationship is supposed to work out?

A/N: thIS IS UNEDITED SO THERES PROBABLY MISTAKES SOZ