Barely Breathing//Ethis

89||

Chris' point of view:

Ethan opens the door to my room and let's it hit the wall, he doesn't seem fazed by it and he appears to be crying when he walks over to my bed and throws himself onto it face down.

"Bear?" I say confused

"It shouldn't even effect me that much" he mumbles turning his head to look at me

"What happened?" I ask lying next to him

"I got this comment," he says sniffling "it said something like: 'hey Ethan I'm doing this assignment on sexual harassment and was wondering if you could answer some questions?"

"Oh"

He starts crying again.

"It shouldn't be getting to me this much right? I shouldn't be this upset about a comment right? It wasn't even mean, how weak can I be?" His voice is angry, but I know he's just upset.

"It's okay to be upset" I tell him softly

"Chris can we talk.. about it" he asks sitting up and crossing his legs

"Of course we can, if you want to" I keep my voice soft and I sit up also and copy his actions crossing my legs and facing him.

"I um-I don't know where to um start" he says looking down and playing with his hands

"It's okay, start from where ever you want Baby Boy"

He laughs through his nose and a small smile hints at his face but then he shakes his head and his smile fades.

"Um," he swallows thickly "I wasn't allowed to call him Jeremy. I-I had to call him sir or nothing at all. That's why I couldn't make eye contact with him at court, b-because I felt this unknown danger rise from my stomach to my throat. It always makes my cheeks flush and my throat scratchy. It makes my stomach churn and my hands clammy, it makes me lose all train of thought and become powerless. That's why I hate eye contact." He stops to take a deep breath

"I know it's stupid-"

"Nothing you're going to say is going to be stupid Ethan I promise" I interrupt him, just so he knows

"I know it's stupid." He repeats "but I can't have too much food in my mouth all at once because it reminds me of the many times I sucked his dick. That's also why I never have really thick sauces, people always say it'll make my meals bland but I think they'd prefer me have no sauce and eat small portions rather than gagging and throwing it all up. If it were up to me I wouldn't eat at all." He doesn't look at me when he finishes this time

"I don't take compliments well at all, it's different with you of course. But if it's people I don't know I get uncomfortable very fast because Jeremy used to compliment me in a sickening way, one that I don't think I'll ever forget was: Ethan you look nice today, I love that outfit on you. It's a shame I'll be taking it off later." He shudders and pulls down his top that little bit more, almost as a reflex.

"You're doing so well Bear, it's okay" I speak now knowing that he needs that reassurance from me

"I think the worst part was when he made me do the most unthinkable things, worse than anything else. Only because he threatened to do them to you and I pleaded with him not to. That only made it ten times worse for me, though. I think he knew I loved you even from the start. I always-um I always screamed for you" he says quieter then before like he's scared of my reaction to this in particular.

"I'm so sorry"

"No, you shouldn't be sorry. I-just, please let me get all this out." He says with a deep breath

"Sometimes he would tease me. He would unlock the door and tell me to leave if I wanted to, I knew it was a trick so I never did. He took that as consent."

"I don't trust anyone easily, I don't like those trust exercises where you have to close your eyes and trust someone to guide you. That one really brings back memories of when I-uh-when I gave him hand jobs and stuff like that" he says closing his eyes for only a second

He looks up and his eyes meet mine, they're filled with tears but he smiles despite this. It's like he's saying something without actually having to say it. He wants to be happy but there's always something holding him back.

"Sometimes if he was fed up with my crying or begging he'd just duct tape my mouth or hit me until I was unconscious. I still don't know which I would have preferred." He shrugs playing with the sheets now "but uh, I got used to it. It kinda feels better to get all this out, thank you for listening. I think that's enough sob story for now"

He wipes his eyes to rid them of the tears and he stands up from my bed.

"Owen's here!" Jakob yells from downstairs almost on cue

Ethan's already left my room by the time I stand up. I jog down the stairs and almost knock Ethan over: he's standing on one of the last few steps, still out of sight.

"Ethan" I whisper standing next to him "what are you doing?"

He shakes his head and whispers back "I can smell food"

He looks up at me for a second and I see his eyes are wide with fear and are filled with tears.

He's terrified to eat.

"I don't-I don't want-" he tries, unable to finish his sentence

"It's okay. Sh, sh" I soothe placing my hands on his shoulders "you're okay, come on are you ready?"

He looks away from my eyes and quickly makes contact again as he nods.

I place my hand on his lower back and we walk down the rest of the steps, we step into the living room and I take my hand away before Owen sees.

"Finally" Jakob says smiling at us

Ethan holds his hands in front of him and Owen walks over to both of us.

That's when I see that he's holding a Subway bag. He hands one of the subs to Ethan and then the other to me.

"Thanks" Ethan replies quietly taking a seat beside Jakob, I do the same and sit on the reclining chair. Owen sits on the other side of Jakob and for a moment it's silent.

Then Owen starts talking about what I assume is the EP but I'm honestly not paying any attention to him at all, I'm watching Ethan.

He's just holding the sub, but eventually he starts to slowly open it. He inspects it's contents and closes his eyes breathing in deeply, he almost looks pained. 

He mutters something under his breath and takes a bite. I've almost completely finished mine and Jakob and Owen finished theirs ages ago, it's just Ethan.

He's taking really slow bites too, no wonder he hates eating if he has to do this every time he does. He's keeping his eyes on the ground and bouncing his leg up and down, he gets about half way through the sub when he puts it down. He swallows his last mouthful and rests one hand on his bouncing leg. He lurches forward the tiniest bit, so tiny that you could only notice if you were paying full attention. He covers his mouth with both his hands and his eyes lock with mine.

I mouth one word: "go."