Barely Breathing//Ethis

29||

Ethan's point of view:

I feel like a jigsaw. With all the pieces, making a beautiful picture. Except not all my pieces are here. That producer took one piece and my depression has a few more. every scar holds another piece of my once-beautiful puzzle. Chris has another one. I'm just hoping he doesn't take it with him and let's me use it when I need it. Right now, I'm just trying to make the best picture I can with the pieces I have.
I'm running out of puzzle pieces to give people, or leave behind and it's really starting to wear me down. I know eventually I won't have any puzzle pieces left and I'm scared no one will be there to put them back and I'll just be empty. An empty shell of a human being that no one wants.

"Did you hear what he said?" Chris whispers to me, I snap my head up to see Owen standing at the edge of the couch

"Sorry what?" I croak out not meeting his eyes

"I asked if you were okay" he repeats looking genuinely concerned

I muse over it for a second before-

"Uh, yeah I'm fine"

He nods and leaves us all alone yet again.

I actually told them, my darkest secret isn't mine to keep anymore and I don't know how to feel about it, I'm barely feeling anything at all.

"Please don't ever leave me." I blurt out taking myself by surprise

"Never" Chris confirms smiling

Chris' point of view:

He looks so fragile and broken and in that moment that's when I realised if you don't get something off your chest, you'll never be able to breathe. And Ethan's been barely breathing this whole time.

"What're you thinking about?" I ask him

"I can't believe I told you," he says quietly "I guess in a way it feels great to have told someone but I don't actually feel any different. I still feel violated, I still get nightmares and the sheer terror every time I step outside is overwhelming."

He pulls his legs up and hugs them to his chest, resting his head there. For such a tall and outgoing person I don't think I've seen Ethan this small and insecure.

"We can get through this together" I tell him gently, we both know full well that I have no idea what he's feeling or what he's been through, there just seems to be something comforting about someone helping you through a rough time.

"It's nice to hear someone say that" he sighs

"I'm here, you can talk to me" I tell him and he let's out a small cry as if that's the only thing he's wanted to hear for so long.

"I let him." His voice comes out smaller than a whisper but I heard exactly what he said.

"What?" I ask, confused.

"Remember when we were handed those waters? Mine was spiked," he explains, I stay quiet waiting for him to continue "I started to feel drowsy and he told me he knew somewhere I could rest until the show. He took me to a room and I sat on this couch and then the door locked. I couldn't run, I could barely even scream." He tells me biting his lip

"What happened?" I ask, he stays silent continuing to stare down at his knees

"Ethan, what happened?" I ask again, firmer this time

"I don't know," he says looking me dead in the eye "I don't know, okay? Anything could have happened. I don't fucking know." He let's his head fall forward, his shoulders slump down and he starts to cry.

"Ethan it's okay, you're okay now."

"I'm not, not knowing what happened is killing me. I wasn't unconscious the whole time and it's ruined every bit of trust and self confidence I had, I couldn't do anything for so long. My happiness was just gone and no one noticed because happiness is the only thing you can give without having." He says wiping a tear from his cheek

He leans into my side and rests his head on my bicep and in that small gesture it feels like there aren't any issues between us, like this is just a normal day. But this isn't. He needs comforting and no matter what happens between us I will always be there to do so. Maybe just maybe this will bring us closer to him trusting me again.

"I'm so scared Chris" he whispers and I can feel hot tears fall onto my arm

"I've got you."

"Chris," he says softly "my parents want me to go home for the weekend and uh will you come with me? It's just with everything that's happened, I already know they're going to ask so many questions and I-"

"Yes Ethan, I will" I cut off his rambling.

Ethan's parents have always been a little too controlling, wanting to know everything he does when they're not will him, pushing him into things he doesn't always want to do and they make him think his best isn't always good enough. I don't know how many times he's called me at some ungodly hour on the verge of tears because he's so scared of disappointing them. They're half the reason he puts himself down.

"They are going to be so disappointed in me" he says sadly

"Why's that?" I ask looking down at him, this time he doesn't say anything. Instead he slowly pulls up the sleeve of his jumper revealing cuts, he quickly pulls the sleeve back down over his hand and he then pulls the other sleeve over his other hand. I've notice he does this when he's nervous or uncomfortable.

"I'll be there, I'll help you" I reassure him

"Last time they said I was setting a bad example for my sisters, I can't help it. I can't help the way I am. They can't treat me the way they do on top of all this bullshit they don't even know about and just expect me to not do something like this" he says beginning to get angry.

"Maybe you should tell them."

A/N: ENJOY THIS UNEDITED CHAPTER AMD I HOPE YOUR FEELS ARE DEAD