Barely Breathing//Ethis

28||

Chris' point of view:

"Ethan-"

"I don't want to talk about it" he cuts me off keeping his voice firm

"Please" Jakob chimes in.

"Why? Since when has talking about my feeling or my life ever done anything to help me? When has it ever made any kind of difference?" He says looking between Jakob and I "and besides it was a while ago, it doesn't matter."

"Ethan of course it matters, when did it happen?" I ask hoping to get a bit of information out of him

"The night I was sent home on The Voice Kids" he replies squeezing his eyes shut

"You could have told me" I say

"I know, but I was pretending like it never happened and besides you had your own problems and I didn't want to bother you because a part of me thought I might have been overreacting about what happened. You guys are the first people I've ever told." He sighs

"Your parents don't know?" Jakob asks just to make sure

Ethan shakes his head, no.

"How could I tell them? I've always been their perfect son, I never did anything wrong, got good grades, I worked my ass off to please everyone and there is no way I'm telling them that something as imperfect as that happened to me," he explains running a hand through his hair "you don't know how hard it was when they found out I had depression."

"Ethan they're your parents, they'll love you regardless" Jakob says

"I don't know, yeah they love me but I'll still feel bad, how could I let that happen? How could I be so stupid?" He says beginning to talk to himself now, entering his mind.

"Ethan what did happen?" I ask softly encouraging him to go on

"I can remember it like it was yesterday," he mumbles closing his eyes again "there were still a few hours left until the cameras started rolling, I was walking around the set trying to calm my nerves when one of the producers came up to me. He told me he had something he wanted to go over with me, so I followed him. He took me to a room I hadn't seen before and I heard the door lock, that's when it all started happening." He says letting out a small cry, I instantly move to his side and I place a hand on his back rubbing small circles on it. He doesn't seem to mind, he instead smiles softly and I like to think that in some way this might be comforting or helpful.

"Ethan you're here, with us, you're safe." I tell him, he draws in a jagged breath and continues speaking

"I was screaming, at least it felt like I was but no one heard me. No came to help. It was my fault, that's what he would tell me anyway, that I was making him do it to me. How could it be my fault when all I was doing was begging him to stop?" He says pressing the palms of his hands into his eyelids trying to stop himself from crying.

"I don't think I've ever ran so fast, I ran to the bathrooms and locked myself in a stall. Through the desperate escape I seemed to have lost my beanie and my hair was a mess, my cheeks were blotchy and my eyes were red from crying but no one seemed to notice. Well no one asked why when I finally appeared at hair and makeup. My energy was drained and I could barely bring myself to do anything little own sing, so my performance was flat and I was sent home. I continued to tell everyone I was okay, my acting classes were finally paying off, so much so that for a while I began to believe it. But I wasn't okay, I am so far from it." He finishes sighing.

I can't believe he's been holding all that in for so long, I can't believe I never noticed how broken he actually is. Only now do I realise how terrified he must have been every time we had to go on X Factor, terrified of it happening again. I can't believe he's been dealing with such a massive burden for so long all by himself. I know there's something he's holding back, not telling us and I don't expect him to tell us every little detail in one day.

One thing I know is that Ethan's parents need to stop worrying so much about his grades and start taking his mental stability into consideration because one day he's going to snap and spill everything and they're going to know that they're the ones that have driven him away.

I pull him into my arms and I let him cry

"I made a pact with myself that night that I would never tell anyone until they accepted me for who I am, all my stupid flaws and petty imperfections so, thank you, both of you." He says wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

Ethan may not know it but he's so brave, he's brave for carrying that with him, he's brave for finally telling someone and he's brave after being through all that completely broken and still not giving up.

What I want more than anything is to glue his broken pieces back together.