Barely Breathing//Ethis

63||

Chris' point of view:

"I miss him" I sigh burying my face into the pillow, it's only been two days. Two days and I'm already falling apart without him. I haven't tried to call or text him because I know he won't answer. I hope he's doing better than I am, that he's not moping around looking miserable and refusing to do anything other than lay in bed all day.

I pick up my phone and simply stare at his contact wanting to call him, or for him to call me.

I decide to call Lara instead.

"Hey, Chris" she picks up on the third ring

"Hi" I reply quietly

"You okay?" She asks growing concerned

"Ethan's gone," I breathe out, I'm determined not to cry "I miss him so much, I want to know if he's okay"

There's silence.

"He's here, with me, at my house." She says finally

"Is he okay? How is he? Forget it. I'm coming over." I say standing up and rushing around my room

"No, Chris. He's okay, I promise you that he's okay, just don't come over." Lara tells me firmly

"Fine," I groan sitting back down "whatever you do, don't leave him alone with sharp things and make sure that he eats because if you don't make him, he won't at all. He has nightmares too, you have to be there for him when he does. If he wants to talk about it you have to let him or he's going to think he's bothering you and he's going to bottle it up inside. And if you let anything happen to him I will never forgive you." I instruct

"Alright I've got it, I'll keep a close eye on him. I won't let anything happen to him okay? I care about him too. He's safe with me I promise." She assures me "I've gotta go, talk later"

"Lara, wait-"

I stand back up and shove my phone into my pocket, I have to go see him.

Jakob's out so I don't have to worry about letting him know where I'm going.

I walk the whole way there but when I get there Lara's car isn't in the driveway, they aren't here. I let myself in anyway, I climb the stairs and enter the spare room, immediately being hit with the smell of Ethan.

Some of his clothes are on the floor and the rest I assume are in the wardrobe. I walk over to the unmade bed and fall face first onto it. It smells like him and that's what I need. I wish he would come home, I wish he would just talk to me and tell me how he's actually feeling, I wish I could hold him in my arms.

I pull myself up and find his bag at the end of the bed. I find a little box inside and curiosity drives me to open it, inside is something I thought I wouldn't see; a blade.

I thought that he had given all of his blades to me but I guess I was wrong, I pick it up and carefully put it in my pocket. It's only been two days he probably hasn't hurt himself, right? Lara would have told me.

I really wish that he would see that he doesn't need to hurt himself. I wish that he knew that he doesn't stress me out as much as he thinks he does. Sure, sometimes I get stressed but that's only because I care so much about him. I wish I knew how to make him happy, actually happy and not just, fake happy.

I put the box back and zip up his bag, I stand in the doorway and take one last inhale of his scent and jog down the stairs. I lock the front door and close it behind me, beginning the walk home.

Ethan's point of view:

"Chris doesn't know?" Lara asks sounding a little surprised

"No." I say quietly

"You know you can't keep that from him forever, he has to know soon. He's still going to love you" she reminds me

"I don't know, I'm scared he's going to blame me or something" I tell her honestly

"Oh come on Ethan, it's Chris we're talking about. He's completely head over heels for you and something you had no control over shouldn't change that" she sighs

"But I could have done something" I protest

"Ethan Karpathy I swear to god, the sooner you start realising that none of what happened could ever be your fault, the better off you'll be. Besides you're underaged at the time, it's already bad enough. If anything this has made you stronger, you've come out fighting and I'm honoured to be your friend." She tells me firmly, not breaking the eye contact once during the entire time she was speaking.

I must admit it's nice talking to Lara about this, she has a different perspective on this and it's helping me see things differently too.

"Can you at least please stop looking at me like that?"

"Like what exactly?" Lara raises an eyebrow at me

"Like I'm fragile, you can't break something that's already broken. I'm okay." I reply standing up from the bar stool and walking out the room, I jog up the stairs and I push open the door to the room I'm staying in.

Chris. The room smells like Chris. It immediately brings tears to my eyes, I miss him.

I walk over to my backpack and notice it's zipped up, I don't recall leaving it like this. I open it and take out the little box, one of the only things I've made sure to keep hidden from Lara. I open it and my heart drops, the blade is gone. I hurriedly look through the rest of the bag hoping that it's just fallen out or something but it hasn't, it's gone.

Chris doesn't know I'm here, he hasn't been here, he's been to Lara's house hundreds of times before and he's probably stayed in this very room too, that's the only logical explanation I can think of. Lara wouldn't have told him, I made her swear not to, she promised. I flop down onto the bed and I'm instantly engulfed in his smell.

I curl up and pull the blankets over me, wanting to stay here forever.

I don't know what to feel, I'm getting better in some aspects but in others I'm not.

Chris is helpful but so is Lara and now I'm torn between the two.