Barely Breathing//Ethis

37||

Chris' point of view:

I grab Ethan's hands that were previously covering his face and pull them down to see his tear stained cheeks. He looks down ashamed of himself and I don't really know what to say. After all what are you supposed to say when your boyfriend reveals a little bit more of what happened to him when he was raped?

Tears continue to fall down his cheeks and he tries desperately to wipe them away but there are just too many.

"I'm so sorry bub" I apologise eventually, I pull him onto my lap, deciding to ignore the fact that he's a great deal lighter than he was last time I held him like this. That's something to bring up another time, not for now.

He trusts me and that's all I can ask for because I know how hard it must have been for him to tell me some of the things he was forced to do.

It makes me sick to my stomach when I think of the things my poor baby had to go through.

"It's okay" he mumbles wiping away a single tear trying to shake away the memories he's tried to keep as only suppressed memories for so long and now they are actually resurfacing as he reveals more and more, I know one day he's going to reveal everything, maybe not to me but I know when it does happen; he's going to crumble. But I intend to be there to pick him right back up.

I know he's trying his best to hide the pain he's feeling from me, but I want him to know that he doesn't have to.

"I love you." I lean forward slightly to kiss his cheek, a tiny smile spreads across his face and he nods leaning into me a little bit more.

"I love you too"

"Thank you for telling me" I say wrapping one arm around his waist a little bit firmer

"I-it's okay" he stutters letting out an anxious sigh closing his eyes for a few seconds

"I want you to know that you can show your anxiety around me, you don't have to hide it. I know you're scared." I whisper in his ear softly, he shuffles off my lap and I then see the tears that are silently cascading down his cheeks, but he's smiling like that's the one thing he's always wanted to hear. That it's okay to be scared.

"Thank you so much Chris, for everything. I don't know how I would get through this without you," he says not even trying to hide the fact he's crying now "I almost didn't make it without you, you were there for me when I needed you the most and you didn't even know it"

"Ethan?" I ask looking at him, he looks up at me with his big brown eyes innocently, waiting for me to continue "when I was gone, what did you do?" I ask making sure to choose my words cautiously, fearing that I may already know the answer. He looks down again and I can tell he's thinking about telling me something or not.

I really wish he would stop doubting himself so much, and that he will remember he can tell me absolutely anything and I would still pay him my full attention. I wish that he would believe me more when I tell him that he never bothers me, because I've never loved anyone more than I love Ethan.

"I just um- I stayed in my room most of the time that's all" he replies fidgeting with the sleeves of his jumper nervously.

I know him too well to believe that, and even he knows that.

I reach down and gently pull up the hem of his shirt, he stays quiet and he doesn't even try to stop me like I thought he would.

I break eye contact and let my eyes wander down to his now exposed hip, there are cuts that look pretty recent but they aren't too deep, however I can see that they spell out something; disappointment.

"I love everything about you," I tell him quietly "even the things you hate"

I don't say anything else after this and instead I kiss the tips of my fingers and I place them on his cuts, trying to be as gentle as I possibly can. I continue to do this until I've covered every cut I can see, he doesn't say a word during all this but I know that he's crying because he's still shaking lightly from it.

"I really tried not to, but-but it helps. I-If I can't control the emotional pain then at least I can control the physical pain." He says biting down on his lower lip

"I understand, you don't have to explain yourself okay?" I reassure him, making sure he understands that I'm here for him.

He lies back on his bed letting his legs swing forward before he pulls himself onto the bed properly and he stares up at the ceiling letting out a sigh.
I join him lying down also and he immediately closes the gap between us as he snuggles into me taking in a deep breath, burying his head in the crook of my neck and I feel him smile against my neck.

"I've got you, baby boy" I whisper slowly wrapping my arm around his waist and pulling him even closer than he already was to me.

He places a hand on my chest and buries his face further into my neck giggling softly, obviously blushing at the nickname.

"You make the nightmares less painful" he mumbles sleepily taking a small fistful of my shirt in his shaky hands.

A few minutes pass and soon Ethan is sound asleep in my arms. I smile to myself as his lips part and light snores escape them. So far there aren't any disturbances to his peaceful state and I know for a fact that this is the first night he hasn't had a nightmare in a very long time.

A/N: I tried to make this a really cute ethis chapter but idk fam