Barely Breathing//Ethis

47||

Ethan's point of view:

As soon as Chris is asleep I slip out of bed and I quietly leave the room. Unsure of where to go exactly I decide on the bathroom, I close the door behind me and I slide down against it and I let out a sigh.

Chris and I just took a pretty big step in our relationship and I'm not sure how to feel. That was great and there was no doubt that I was turned on but it just brings back bad memories. If this is going to happen every time I do something intimate with Chris then I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm not going to tell him though, we don't need another complication, especially right now.

The problem is that his parents want me to talk about what Jeremy did but I'm not sure I'll be able to, I know they'll want me to tell them things in detail and I don't know if I can do that. Telling someone about it is completely different to telling someone about it in detail.

We go back to recording in the studio in a couple of days and I'm just hoping I'm going to have the right mindset about it all, I had blocked all of these thoughts and memories out of my mind and now they've all come rushing back all at once and I definitely wasn't ready, and even now I'm completely overwhelmed.

It's Chris, I know it's Chris. He's brought everything back when we first kissed in the hospital, but if he's the reason then I'll suffer just so I can have him in my life because a life without him would be just as bad.

He's trying to help me and it seems like I'm he only one that knows he's wasting his time. If I could be helped or saved then I wouldn't still be like this; I would be getting better. And I'm not. Chris thinks I am but I'm not.

I don't even look okay anymore, before I could just break silently on the inside because all of my secrets were still, my secrets. But now I'm not even breaking on the inside, I'm just breaking. It's not in private anymore either, it's in public, it's with certain things, in actions, in words and it just seems like I can find connections in everything.

There are still things Chris doesn't know and he can't know, I've shared too much and he already knows so much. I know that keeping so many secrets from him is terrible, especially because we're in a relationship but I've kept them all so well guarded and he's come into my life like a hurricane wanting to know everything and I don't think I'm ready to share it all.

He thinks he's got it all figured out but he barely knows anything. And God, do I wish I didn't have this much to hide and this much wrong with me. But I do.

I pull myself to my feet and slowly open the door. I shuffle through the hallway and walk back into my room, Chris is still in the position he was in when I left. I climb back into bed and Chris almost instantly wraps an arm around my waist pulling me into him.

"I love you bear" he whispers into my ear, his voice full of sleep. He knows something is wrong without even seeing me or hearing me say anything.
I nuzzle into his chest breathing in his scent and instantly feeling relaxed.

Despite feeling so relaxed in his arms I can't fall asleep, my mind won't stop racing with thoughts; it's almost like we didn't just take a big step in our relationship and everything is fine. It's not. At least not to me.

Maybe that's it; it's a problem to me not because I wasn't ready for it to happen, but because it's happened before and I just got scared so I reacted.

The lamp on the bedside table is flicked on, temporarily blinding me and once I've gotten my sight back I see that Chris is looking down at me.

"What's wrong?" He asks rubbing one of his eyes sleepily

"Nothing," I reply "I couldn't sleep so I just went and got a drink to help, everything's okay" I reassure him

"If there was something wrong you know you can tell me right?" He asks, I nod but I don't look him in the eyes. I know I can tell him pretty much anything but I don't want to because I've always kept things to myself and well, the issue I have isn't an ideal conversation he would want to have.

"I know, I'm sorry for waking you" I lean up and kiss his cheek quickly

"I wasn't asleep, it's okay," he smiles tiredly reaching over and turning the lamp back off "sweet dreams bear"

I cuddle back into his chest, this time falling asleep.

Chris' point of view:

I wake up before Ethan but I don't wake him, he needs the sleep. I know there's got to be something bothering him. If it is because of what we did yesterday then I don't expect him to tell me right away but I'm trying my best to understand everything he's had to go through and I don't want to push him or make him do something he doesn't want to.

I shuffle him over to the other side of the bed and get out of bed slowly trying not to wake him. He looks so peaceful when he's sleeping and I think it's actually one of the only times he's completely okay. As a bonus he looks adorable, his head is buried into the pillow and most of his hair has fallen onto his face, he's wrapped himself up in the blankets like a cocoon and he has a tiny smile on his face.

I take my phone from the bedside table and quickly take a picture of him smiling to myself, he's so a cute.

"Did you just take a photo of me?" He mumbles, half asleep, in his morning voice that I love so much.

"I did, you look cute" I reply smiling and he squints his eyes open tiredly looking at me, he hums in response obviously a little embarrassed because he hides his face under the blanket

"I don't even look nice" he whines looking back up at me now

"You don't have to, and besides who else is going to see it?" I ask showing him the photo

"I don't know, you might post it on my birthday or something" he explains

"I wasn't planning to, but now that you've mentioned it..." I trail off smirking

"Don't you dare," he warns waking up even more now "delete it."

"Make me."

A/N: I DONT KNOW EITHER OKAY