Grow Old Without You (A Camren Story)

Domino Effect

Grow Old Without You (Chapter 42)

CAMILA

They said I wouldn't feel alone anymore. They said everything would be fine, especially after leaving the halls of the treatment facility. But why am I feeling I am more alone than I ever was? Why am I in this dark room alone? Lauren said she's in this with me, but why did she reject me? Making love is what it's called when you both love each other right? It's not just like a one night stand or something.

My mind has been racing on thoughts that i wished were never on my mind. I urge to fight every little voice in the back of my head, but even in my sleep, it still creeps in. Lauren's words, Lana's words. It's not just them actually. It's my mom, my dad, Sofi, Dinah, Ally, Mani's words that were stuck in my head. How they said I was an unfit mother for 10 years was something else.

It was Janelle, Will, and the crew's mumbles about me being unprofessional and a group wrecker. Their stares and their attitude towards me, still fresh in my mind.

There was so much hate that I would read in social media. Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr. I forgot the time I read a nice comment to me about how i looked, or how I treated someone. It was stuck up bitch, asshole, cunt and airhead for the majority of time.

I know I'm still not okay. Since the day I snapped on Lana. The time I screamed at Lauren for not leaving me alone, and for letting myself believe that I was fine, even if I wasn't.

That was a week ago since we landed Italy. Alot has happened since a week ago.

--

"Camz, breakfast." Lauren said knocking on my door. I was already up, putting on my cardigan.

"I'll be there in a sec." I said as I gathered my things and put it in my purse. It was therapy day, and Lauren would drop me off the clinic after we dropped off the kids at school.

"Mama, banana pancakes." Kara said setting my plate in front of me. I smiled at her sweetly as she gave me a small smile. She has been quite distant to me too, since I snapped at her more than a week ago.

FLASHBACK, 12 DAYS AGO.

"Mama, we're leaving. Do you want something from the store?" Kara peeped her head on the door.

I was busy writing in my journal, letting all my emotions out, and trying to put my emotions into words. It was a rough day yesterday, so I had to analyze my head.

"No. Leave me alone." I muttered, gripping my pen tighter.

"Mama, are you okay?" She asked me worriedly, walking closer to me. She stopped in her tracks as I whisked my head to her direction, and glaring at her with anger in my eyes.

"Leave me alone. Fucking leave me alone." I screamed as I saw her lips quiver and run out my room.

END OF FLASHBACK

I felt bad for doing that to Kara. Lauren had to put me into perspective that day. She snapped at me, for snapping at everyone. She said I was stupid for doing that to the kids.

"You are such an asshole to your fucking children, Karla. Snapping at them for no apparent reason. I understand if you did it to me, which you did, but the kids? How can you be so fucking heartless".

Those were her exact words, which until now is consuming me. Heartless asshole. That's me.

Back to breakfast.

"Thank you, baby." I said softly as Kara sat beside me. Lana was infront of me, avoiding eye contact, and whatever contact we have to do. She hasn't talked to me since the snapping a week ago. See? I have this gift of being left alone by people I love.