The Goblin Adventures

Part 7

“What ye be doin’ on my beach?” asked the pirate.

  “We’s come to hunt squink,” said Ugbash.

  “Squink are dangerous ya know, all my disabilities have been caused by the little monsters.”

  “Why are they so dangerous?” asked Ugbash.

  “They pretend to be dead when you shoot them, then attack.”

  “Are you saying one was so big it bit your leg off?”

  “No, it bit my leg and it went septic so I ‘ad to ‘ave it off.”

  “So, are you really a pirate then? I know the Author described you as one but if you have received all of your injuries from squink then aren’t you really an unfortunate squink hunter?”

  “That’s right, I suppose I am. Anyway, it’s easier to scare people off my beach if they think I’m a dreaded pirate rather than a disabled hunter.”

  “So when do the squink come up onto the beach?” asked Idunno.

  “They come up twice a day. You’ve missed the morning lot. You’ll have to wait another couple o hours till the next lot come up.”

  “What’re we gonna do for two hours?” asked Chop.

  “You could come back for a cuppa at my hunting lodge.”

  “Well that’s real nice Mister scary hunter/pirate,” said Ugbash.

  “While you are there you can help me with some chores.”

  “As long as it’s not cleaning the toilet and washing the urinals,” said Pan Head, “I have to do them all the time in the goblin’s guard quarters.”

  “I do need help with the toilet,” said the pirate/hunter, “I can’t get the lime scale off, I’ve snapped my toilet brush hand attachment.”

  “Oh alright,” relented Pan Head, “I’m used to doing it for the Dark Lord.”

The pirate/hunter’s house was nestled in between some rocks half way up the cliffs overlooking the cove. In his garden there was dead squink drying on racks and a gnome fishing in the pond.

  “Oi,” said the pirate/hunter, “stop fishing in my pond, you little fish thief.”

  The gnome scampered away.

  “What’s your name by the way?” asked the Author. “I don’t want to be calling you pirate/hunter all the way through the story. It’s too long to write.”

  The pirate/hunter looked round, “Was that you who said that?” he asked of Ugbash.

  “No, it was the Author.”

  “Oh, well I thought he would have known my name seeing as he is just about to make it up,” said …Donald!

  “Donald!” exclaimed Ugbash.

  “I never said it,” said Donald, “the Author said it. If it was up to me I’d be called Dread Beard or something like that.”

  “Ok, we’ll call you Dread Beard,” said Chop, “what’s so dreadful about your beard though, apart from the style?”

  “It can kill a carrot at 2 paces.”

  “How’s that?”

  “I’m related to Chuck Norris.”

  “Eh?”

  “Never heard of the Chuck Norris joke? What does Chuck Norris have under his beard?”

  “No?”

  “Another fist!” said the newly renamed Dread Beard as he chuckled out loud.

  The goblins didn’t get it, but the gnome, who was listening at the window, laughed out loud. Dread Beard threw a boot at the gnome who again scampered off.