The Goblin Adventures

Goblin Space Marines

Somebody, we don’t know who, had managed to stop the black hole eating all of the surrounding planets near the meteor field where Arthur and the others used to have their space base placed in the second book.

  Lord D’ark’s chocolate empire of evil was no more but there was still a big presence of D’ark’s hirelings and soldiers who were fiercely loyal to what was left of his company. Though his company had folded he had secret funds stashed away that the new triumvirate could use to maintain the large amount of personnel who relied on D’ark Corp for a living. The triumvirate wanted to increase it’s holdings through war and not by business as it had done in the past. A Goblin space marine platoon, led by Sergeant Grimly of the 440th Death’s Nose Battalion, had been sent to attack an elven listening outpost that guarded a valuable trade route. His platoon consisted of six space marines, Bip, Bop and Battam, Ugz, Bugz and Tongs. Bip was the pilot of the interstellar shuttle and he had brought it in to land about a mile from the listening post rather bumpily.

  “That was rather bumpily,” noted Bop, “Why do we have to be so far away?”

  “Talk proper,” said the Sergeant, “rather bumpier. Besides we need a bit of a slog to keep ourselves fit, and an interstellar shuttle landing on the listening base would definitely tip them off,” replied the Sergeant.

  “I’d rather blow up the base from the air than have to shoot my way through a pile of smarmy elves,” moaned Tongs.

  “Why did you become a goblin space marine then Tongs? You don’t seem to have any fight in you.”

  “I think my profile was mixed up with somebody else’s, I wanted to be lumberjack, swinging from tree to tree.”

  “Monty Python reference noted. I’ll see if I can get you a transfer to the D’ark logging division.”

  “But that would mess up the funny pronunciation of our names. It would no longer be Bip, Bop, Battam, Ugz, Bugz and Tongs.”

  “I’ll have to get an aptly named goblin clone to replace you. Let me think,” he thought for a moment, “Lugz the big eared one?”

  “Hugs the tree friendly one,” suggested Bop.

  “Smugz the smarmy one,” thought Bip.

  “Thugz the violent one,” opted Battam, “I like Thugz, he’s nearly as violent as me.”

  “Or you could have Suggs from Madness,” said Tongs, “it might be good to have somebody on the team who can actually sing.”  

  “Ooh, that’s a bit of a stretch to try and make that one fit, besides, I don’t think his recording contract would let him come into this dimension and there’s probably a clause in it saying he can’t go to war against elves. Recording contracts have obscure legalities within them. Like the one about gauze in a chocolate factory,” warbled Grimly.

  “Clauses for gauzes?” tried to pun Ugz.

  “You were trying to pun horses for courses there and it didn’t quite work did it, young fellow me chap?”

  “Er Ugz tried, but me just want to kill elves, me is getting bored. Please let me kill elves?”

Stephen Jennison-Smith © Copyright 2011

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