Phosphenes [Larry Stylinson Fan Fiction] EDITING

Chapter Five: Fuubutsuhi

Fuubutsushi (n.) (Japanese) The things, feelings, scents, images that evoke memories or anticipation of a particular season. 

(Harry's POV)

I opened The door and let Charlie in, she was looking around. Her room was a typical girl's room, fairy lights, posters of bands and empty vinyl record covers, bookshelves filled with books, instax pictures, old cameras and photographs clipped on a string on the wall. Cork boards overfilled with drawings and sketches. Sample shades of paint and other girly stuff that me myself I don't know why they put it in their rooms. I noticed that the pictures that portrayed her and Louis were gone on the walls, blank spaces on collages of what used to be an artwork of memories. Shelves of photos and scrapbooks now left with spaces of  what used to be tight filled books. Did he checked every thing  in her room to erase every memory of him?

I checked the drawer of her bedside table where Charlie kept most of her smallest valuable things, to see if she had the ring Louis gave her. He gave it to her when he asked her to be his girlfriend. old school and cheesy, but that's Charlie, I sometimes think that she was born in the wrong era.

I remember when Louis didn't had the same infatuation towards me that I secretly gave to him. Louis started falling for me when he started coming to the flat, we became best mates, a part of the four of us that became five. Charlie would always leave us when her semester breaks were over, not that it was her fault that we became infatuated with each other but it was. She would go back to her dorm knowing that we were doing what two best friends would do, but she was wrong. I became deeply infatuated with this person that I neglected the duties of being a friend, a guardian and a brother to Charlie. He was the one who blossomed up my sins, it was beautiful, he was beautiful, and we knew its wrong. I remember what happened those nights, my first time having a sexual interaction with a person who has same sex as mine, but because of our mistakes, we discovered ourselves, who we really are, It was love ignited. When he collided in to my system, he was a new substance that alienated me, some part of me wanted to cough him out of my chest but the thought of it sent inferno through my veins and how trying to do so aggravates it.  He wasn't any other person I've slept with, besided his gender, I craved for more, not rough sex like Lexi but interaction that made me feel like I was worth loving properly.. tender and passionate, caring.

I glanced at Charlie who was still admiring the pictures on the was. I opened a ring box and saw Louis' ring for Charlie . It was a posey ring, Louis knowing Charlie loves a bit of history, instead of buying Charlie an expensive ring, he ordered a handmade a golden posey ring for Charlie with an inscription of their names at the back, it was popular back in the 16th century and so. Charlie was so pleased with it. I slipped the ring inside my pocket but my hesitation made me drop it. I bent down and noticed the pile of journals under Charlie's bed. I glanced at her once more, she was still admiring the pictures, I realized that those notebooks were her diaries because I have seen one of them once and asked her what was it and it was indeed her diary, I grabbed the ring and the notebooks walking to the door.

"Ill be back in a second" I said giving her no time to look at me as I enter my room. I locked the door, Louis was there sitting on the bed.

"watcha got there" he asked, positioning himself beside me and curiously looking at the box that I was carrying.

I opened one that conveniently opened to a page that had about Louis' name in almost all of it I silently read on my mind what was written with her doctor like penmanship that I came to get familiar of.

|| I don't know how I knew, but when i first saw you, its like you my gravity that kept me on ground even thought when I saw you I felt like floating in clouds of your presence, you made me wonder why you are what you are and who you are, it was like I've known you before, maybe in an alternate universe where this one sided tragedy succeeded its way to a heart flushing romance. You weren't the most, nor the best but to me you were the one that filled up my curiosity and triggered illusions that faded my ignorance and sanity. At first you were a shadow of something big that i was rooting on, a part of a whole I was admiring, and when I examined every little branch of the coherent whole you were in, I was overwhelmed but confused cause I started to see every insignificant fragments that was made up of you, you became an important detail of imperfection in my life and I felt it. It wasn't a choice I had to make, because if it was there should've been a wrong decision and I'm not a fan of picking whats best, but to you, I think I've earned my luck, I felt it. I felt my heart constantly sinking, breaking, shattering for you. My feelings highlighted the good that was prominent to you and even  saw your flaws but never held it as a boundary, I saw you cry, I saw you laugh, I saw you sad, I've witnessed you from your lowest to highest yet, but that never stopped me, it never stopped my heart and my brain from over thinking and feeling the inevitable for you, it never stopped me from doing the impossible. I knew there were gigantic boundaries to overcome, wars to win, days to survive and rocks to duck but dear, that didn't make a single glimpse of flaw in my system for you. You were mission A. You were above everything I have and will ever have. You were the greatest tragedy I have ever have and I've known that since the beginning. What makes us a tragedy is that I've found our limit, or, my limit. Finding it was easy, Making it was difficult, realizing it was worse. It was Cancer, it was made up of me, stronger than me. I tried to stop this fabricated fiction of you and me before the realities of it even hit me first. I made up my own limitation that made me fell from the top I used to linger, yet I hold on to it with a single strand of faith, hoping to have the strength hold on even if the things that keep me down is what keeps me alive, I always want to let go, I always doubt if it was ever worth it but then again love, that's the thing about falling isn't it? Its never wholly our decision if we can ever give in to our emotions. I've always told myself to never hold on too long but don't let go too soon, you were an exception of both, because I love you tenderly, totally, tragically. ||