Phosphenes [Larry Stylinson Fan Fiction] EDITING

Chapter Thirty Six: Uitwaaien

Uitwaaien (v.) (Dutch) To take a break to clear one's head; lit. "to walk in the wind"

(Niall's POV)

I was in the park, getting some fresh air and thinking out some thoughts. I sat on the park bench, thinking if I should tell Jane what I really feel but I doubt myself for it. Is this even real? Is it even possible to feel something for her in a very short span of time. But maybe its not the time spent with her. Maybe its the burning curiosity is feel for her, the way she looks interesting with her beauty that is more than skin deep or the way she interacted with me perfectly. Looking at a point of view, this sounds stupid to think and to feel because of her effect on me and the time lapse, I know that.. I am aware that what I am doing is stupid. But then she makes me go to this trance wherein I dismiss every thought of stupidity I do and that's something someone can't make me feel in a regular basis. Kinda like Cherlaine

Cherlaine.. She's the one that got away. Biggest regret now that I know she had feelings for me and that we could have been something. But then I gave her what every girl wants.. sovereignty. I gave her her freedom and I gave mine my disaster. She impacted me in a way that she only touched me and left, and thats when I learn that not all things can be destroyed by collisions but things can hurt more if it separates. It was so hard to pick myself up after she completely dissapeared in my life. I don't know what happened. We could be madly in love by now. All the more, maybe have a family of our own.

"Whats wrong?" I looked at my left and saw Lyaa, one of Jane's friends and with her dog.

"Huh?" My mind suddenlt came down to my head by her disturbing presence.

"You look sad" She sat beside me.

"Is it because of the video?" She asked. "I'm sorry about that. I was drunk. Do you have a girlfriend and she saw it? Or does your mom doesn't make you want to kiss ugly strangers?"

"No.. no, no, Hey."I lauhed. "My mother doesn't care. I don't have a girlfriend, well, I wish I had and you're beautiful" I managed to get a smile on her face.

"Then what's bothering you?'

I thouht for a while. Should I tell her? We're not that close but who could I tell this to? Not Cherlaine or Jane. Not to my parents and certainly not to the boys. Charlie was a candidate but she's probably dealing with Louis and Harry right now and her memory. Harry is my closest friend out of the boys but he's dealing with Charlie too. Something just sparked inside of me, hoping that maybe, I can trust her.

I looked at her and sighed. I can't tell anyone anyway, so I'm going to bet that I can trust her.

"Its because, you see, I have a friend-"

"Don't give me that. Its you, isn't it"

Surprisingly, she can see that.. "Okay.. I have a dilemma. I have this gut wrenching 'what if' inside of me because I gave someone the freedom too choose if she'd let go of me or not. I had no right to complain because it was her choice and I thought I was okay either way. But I wasn't, I didn't tell her my feelings, I didn't tell her that I wanted her to stay. She changed me and opened me, she polished me but left me broken eventually and I spent years trying to fix myself up." I paised, reminiscing what happened between me and Cherlaine, the sadness came back a bit.

"And now, nowt I've met this wonderful, alluring, beautiful woman that maybe had the same effect to me as the first one did came into my life in a short san of time, she almost filled up what the first one left as a blank space and maybe its stupid to say that. I only met her and knew little of her but then her effect, you know? Its something else. I screw it up and I'm fixing it right now, fixing the mistake of telling what I feel." I felt a bit lighter, I told her these things that I could hardly form a coherent sentence in my mind but let it out as a whole epic.