One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 3 - Rae

I leave the caff quickly.

I already have a tear escape down my fat fucking cheek, but if I move quickly it will be like it has never happened. I am fucking invisible, and mind my own business. Nobody wants me around, I get it and I try and minimise my 16 stone impact as much as I can. I can't be less than I am. I am already nothing.

What the fuck just happened?

I was lost in my own little world - tunes (oh the beastie boys...) and my book (Georgina was being ravished by Anton). Is it any wonder I had no idea what was going on around me.

I don't know what I did for this to happen, I barely talk, barely make eye contact with anyone. I was lost in my world which is nothing like theirs.

Why didn't they just leave me alone?

I've seen them around college before, I mean who hasn't. I've seen them sneaking off, wouldn't take Einstein to work out where they were going off to do. When I think about it, he was being dragged by her, he looked... I don't know disinterested.

Stacey, well where do I start. She thinks she is the queen, with the common room her court, when she is in the room, she controls the music, the fucking backstreet boys. When I hear them I feel my soul dying piece by piece. Her table in the caff, nobody will sit there, the lads want her and she has that fit lad. I tell myself I hate her, but in all honesty I am jealous. Fine, add that to the very long list of things that is unloveable and ugly about me. I am ugly inside and out.

Is there any wonder people who don't know me hate me? I know me and hate myself, I radiate hate, so who do I think I am fooling? I paint this target on my back, but then I wonder why everyone seems to take a shot. I deserve this. That is why it happens.

I race as fast as I can walk to my safe spot. It is like a flood has started. The librarian knows me by now and she kindly hands me a box of tissues as I walk past her. With each step to my safe spot the tears fall faster. I sit and I cry. In my head the conversation is sheer chaos. The core though is the same. I HATE ME! I HATE ME! I HATE ME! I say it enough times to convince myself that this is what I deserve. Me, alone and cold.

I deserve this.