One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 27 - Rae

Hours after having what can only be described as the single most important defining moment of my life, I find myself dressed and writing in my dairy trying to capture the essence of the weekend. If only I could bottle this. And if I can't bottle it then I can write about it and hopefully on days where things are not going so well, I can read about how I felt once. When I felt loved, special and beautiful by someone I couldn't understand why they were standing by my side but they were.

Someone so evidently out of my league. Someone who is perfection to look at. Someone who is everything that I am not.

Someone who below an exterior that looks like perfection is so obviously struggling just like me.

Someone who sees me as more than I am. Someone that never fails to tell me what I need to hear, even though I am struggling to accept it.

"What's that you're doing?" Finn asks trying to look over my shoulder.

I quickly shut the cover, hoping he hasn't read any of my mad ramblings.

"Not much" I say.

"Rae" he looks at me. He knows I am lying, of course I am lying, I am sitting here with a pen in my hand and writing away, and he asks what I am doing, and I say not much? What the fuck Rae.

"Ok. I told you I am mad right? Well, I keep a diary. Actually, my..." I stop. Shit, I haven't told Finn I have a therapist, it makes this all more real, not just about me calling myself mad, or telling him I was in hospital, I have a trained professional helping me to cope.

"Rae" he encourages me to tell him more.

I brace myself. I wish I had kept my mouth shut.

"Let me start again. I told you I was in hospital. I told you that I mad, but I feel that you don't really believe me. I, well, I, should of told you that I have a therapist. So if you weren't convinced before, that is probably all the proof that you need to know that I am truly mad." I wait. I anticipate that he will make a hasty retreat.

In a rather anti climatic way Finn replies with "so?".

"Finn did you not hear me? I am fucking mad."

"So?" he asks again.

"Finn, I have a therapist, I am mad?"

"So?" he asks again.

"Finn, stop ignoring this!"

"I'm not. I just don't think that this changes anything. You are still Rae. You are beautiful. You are strong. And so fucking what if you keep a diary? So fucking what if you have a therapist? I am just pleased that you have people supporting you" Finn responds.

"What do you write about in your diary?" Finn asks.

"Boys mostly, men" I reply.

"Men? What men?"

"Doctors, the shopkeep, actors, pop stars, boys at college, particularly the fit ones, any men really" I reply. "Some more than others, but generally speaking, men" I say.

"Oh really Rae Earl, I am more concerned that you are a pervert to be honest" he says giggling at me.

"Finn" I am blushing from head to toe.

"Am I in your diary?" Finn asks.

"I don't really talk about my diary Finn, not with anyone, not even Kester" I explain.

"Who's Kester?"

"He is my therapist. Doctor Kester Gill" I explain. "He can be incredibly frustrating. He has told me that if we work hard, and I trust him, I can get better. My problem is I am unsure whether I believe him, but I go and see him and I am trying to give it a shot with the smallest glimmer of hope that maybe one day..." I pause.