One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 16 - Finn

I am nestled in Rae's bed.

Bliss.

I honestly have surprised myself I didn't see this happening last night when Rae left me in the park. 

Last night is one massive blur of emotion. Good, bad, scary all mixed with euphoria in the moment when I got to kiss her lips and touched her skin. Not to mention relief, when Rae agreed to try to not run from me, to try and give us a shot, whatever us is. Rae, really is beautiful and incredibly unique, as well as complicated, this I know. Other girls would of been satisfied hanging out with me being a grumpy miserable sod, but not Rae. She has pushed and challenged me from the moment that I laid eyes on her, I am completely out of my comfort zone. There is something beyond her beauty though that draws me to her. I have so much to learn about her. One thing I know for sure though, I need to go slow with Rae.

She was so cute, all shy and embarrassed this morning when she was leaving the room. I know without asking that last night was certainly the first time she has spent the night with a lad in her bed. I feel pretty fucking special that I am her first.   I keep hoping that she believes me and that I want to be here with her, but deep in my gut I know she doesn't. Nobody changes their mind that quick. I keep hoping that she is feeling an ounce of what is surging through my heart, soul and mind that she will honestly give this a shot.  

As I look around Rae's room, it is dark now as Rae thankfully shut the curtain for me.   My eyes have adjusted and I am absorbing as much of Rae's personal space as I can. Her room is as special as she is. It is unique and eclectic and I am pretty sure that everything that is in her room means something to her and fills in a piece of the puzzle about this girl.  This girl who I know nowhere near enough about to be having the feelings I do have for her. 

She has certainly put a massive crack in my Finn wall.  It terrifies me that my wall may come tumbling down completely but rather than worry about it right now I am consumed.  I am on sensory overload. I can still smell and taste Rae and without a doubt I feel like I am missing something when she in not in touching distance.

Rae has posters everywhere and solid music taste.  It is such a peak at her soul, it makes me feel warm.   Under the window there is a huge pile of books. Some looking well loved.  So many books. I don't know why I am surprised that the girl who hides in a library would likes books.  I smile.  I need her to share with me her love of books. 

I wonder what Rae is thinking.
Does she want me here?
Does she want me to go?
Was she really ok with me in her bed?
God, please. I hope she hasn't taken off downstairs to get away from me.  Is she trying to figure out how to get me out of her bed, her house? Shit. I am full of panic and worry. 

Maybe I should get up? Maybe I should check on her? Fuck Finn!!! FUCK!   I am frozen unable to make a decision.    Just as I was start to get up from Rae's bed, where I had felt calm, still and so very warm to now feel so confused, the bedroom door opens. I look up and Rae is standing there with two mugs. I smile shyly like a kid being caught with his hand in the cookie jar. 

"Oh. Ummm, where you going to leave while I was downstairs?" She asks stuttering, looking hurt and her body has gone ridgid.  She is instantly defensive holding her breathe.

Fuck Finn, fix this.  "No no no. I was coming down to see you" I reply quickly.  I can see Rae instantly relax.  Thank god I thought. 

Rae's reaction though horrified is also equally hopeful.  Her reaction makes me believe that she doesn't want me to go.

I lay back down and I invite Rae back to bed with me. She shuts the door and  in and puts the mugs on the bedside table.  She looks at me hesitating "Rae come back to bed" I kind of beg. She sits down on the edge of the bed avoiding eye contact again. She is shy and while relieved I didn't take off I can sense that she is also uncomfortable. 

I sit up moving her hair back and I place my head on her shoulder I whisper in her ear "please Rae".  I am patient and just sit there until I can feel her melt against me and I gently pull her down to me. We are laying down side by side and I feel good again. More confident that maybe we will figure out a way to be us. I feel like I am just where I want to be.

Bliss.