One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 29 - Rae

Oh God, Chloe dragging me off from Finn. I don't want to talk. Add this to the long list of things that I refer to as my worst nightmare. In fact, how the heck did I get here. I really just wanted to hide out with Finn at home, I didn't want to come out. I didn't want to go to the pub, let alone be forced to endure a Chloe interrogation.

"So?" Chloe asks.

"So what? I reply screwing my face up making it very obvious I am not interested in being asked any questions. I am sure Chloe can see that I am not interested but she ignores my response, and pushes ahead.

As soon as the toilet door closes behind us Chloe starts her assault.

"Rae. Seriously. Where have you been? Your mum called, I told her that you were with me, but I don't think she believed me. A heads up next time if I have to cover for you though, because your mum quizzed my mum before I got to speak with her. Rae, I rang you, I have left messages. Did you get them?"

"Chloe, what do you mean?" I reply.

Chloe is standing in front of me her hands on her hips, she is visibly displeased "Rae" she glares at me.

"I have been about."

"Rae" Chloe continues "you turned up here with Finn, holding his hand. Hang on a second. It is starting to make sense. Did you sleep with him?" Chloe asks with a large dose of disbelief in her voice. I start to realise what I already knew. If my own friend is finding this hard to believe, and can't make sense of Finn and I, how the heck would anyone else?

I can't contain my natural response to Chloe's question. I blush from head to toe. She can see straight through me. Chloe's facial expression, how she stands, and even the look in her eye has completely changed. She has softened to me, but her eyes still reveal just how perplexed she is about all of this. To be honest, I don't understand it.

"Oh my god Rae you slept with him?" she asks me again. "I want to hear everything Rae. Talk for fuck sakes, you need to give the details."

"Chloe, I don't really want to talk about it" I say. It is private, and I can't understand what details Chloe would really want to know.

"Was it bad?" she asks "Is that why you don't want to talk about it?" Before I even have a chance to reply Chloe continues placing a hand on each of my arms and looking me in the eye "You know Rae your first time will also be the most awkward, but after, you know a while, it will get better. Lads can be a bit all about themselves. Did he have too much to drink?" She is offering options to me as to why I may not want to talk about it, but strangely, they also correlate with possible reasons why Finn may have been with me, to explain Finn and I. Funnily enough Chloe never once assumed that I may have not wanted to talk about something private, which was all about Finn and I and nobody else's business.

"Rae, he is the fittest lad in college. He can have anyone he wants, what is the going on with you two?" Chloe pushes.

I am standing silent listening to Chloe, everything she has said is what will be going through everyone's mind. Finn can have whoever he wants, so why is he with that. The Blob. Me. I need to get out of here. It feels like the walls are closing in on me.

"There isn't much to say, we have spent some time together. Anything else, well, that is between us" I say as I start to move towards the door. Chloe can see what I am doing and she moves in front of me. Damn Chloe for knowing me so well. I step back, trying to control how I am feeling. I look at her and hope that she will see that I am pleading to her to let me go.

"You barely know him Rae, what were you thinking?" Chloe questions ignoring my silent plea.

"I know" I say shyly as I start to shuffle my feet. Inside I am screaming for Chloe to let me out.

"Boys don't normally like bigger girls Rae. For Finn to be with you, it is totally against his usual type. His ex girlfriends, girls like Stacey are right fit. This is just confusing. I don't know what you have done to nab Finn Nelson, but, whatever it is, keep doing it babes" Chloe says.

Chloe is being Chloe. She never forgets to remind me that I am less than others, and I never know if she means to be mean to me. Her words stinging me, they are the truth. I really didn't need someone else to verbalize what I have already thought.

I am big.

I am gigantic.

I am huge.

No mistaking it, because even when I have tried to hide my massive size, I am unable to deny boy's don't like big girls. All of Finn's ex girlfriends have been fit. So what am I, charity? So what the fuck is going on?

I can't bare it. I can't breathe. How fucking stupid am I to think he might actually like me. Might actually want to be with me. How could I have fucking believed this. Chloe is right. This makes no sense. Given we can't make sense of it, how will anyone else?

I push past Chloe and I find myself in the middle of the pub. I see people everywhere, though not their faces and my eyes are darting all over the place, looking for a way out. I find the doors, and I make a pathway. I hear and see nothing, I am focused on getting outside.

I can feel the fresh air on my skin as I leave. I move as swiftly as I can.

I have to go home, and this time I am going alone.