One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 8 - Finn

The next day I wake up like a man on a mission. I dash out the front door as soon as I am ready. I rock up to college, ignoring all the fuckers around me trying to say morning, I am only interested in one thing today. I am on a mission. Find Rae. I need to check that she is ok. I need to give this another shot especially now that I now her name.

I stand at the entrance. No Rae.

I head to class, looking up and down the hallway. No Rae.

I head to the caff. No Rae.

I head to the courtyard. The common room. No Rae.

I have been doing this all day, and I have a such a level of panic in me, I feel desperate to lay my eyes on her, for her to hopefully listen to me. I need to see Rae.

Geez I am a dickhead. I realise that I have been wasting my time nearly all day. It is 12.56pm and I have wasted nearly four hours in classes I don't care about thinking about finding Rae, when all this time she was probably in her hiding spot. I don't know Rae but I think there is no way she likes to draw attention to herself, unlike every other girl in this college, who is always flaunting what they do and don't have making their intentions very clear. My first impression of Rae is that her only intention is to stay invisible, under the radar, safely in her own world. This thought saddens me, I have barely felt anything for myself in years, it is a completely foreign feeling to be feeling something for someone else.

When I realise that she is probably hiding in the library I rush off. I nod at the librarian as I push through the doors. She seems to know why I am here, and she points me to the back of the room. I feel my heart race as I reach the row where I see those familiar red converse. In that moment I hesitate. With second thoughts running through my mind, I tell myself to calm down. I start counting silently 1, 2 ,3, 4, 5... when I get to 10 I rev myself up. "Come'on Finn", I say to myself "get your shit together.' I turn into the aisle, she is siting on the floor with her legs out in front of her. She is wearing some cool shirt from some festival, short skirt, and leggins. She's reading her book, with her walkman on. I wonder what she is listening to. I remind myself to not fuck this up.

Her hair cascades around her beautiful face, those lips, every time I see her I feel like I am meant to press my lips against hers, to feel her against me, even if only connected by a simple kiss. Such stupid fantasies have never entered my head before and I have no idea why this girl seems to invoke this response. It feels natural, I am certainly not having to make myself feel these things, where I have had to force myself to like any other girl I have ever been around. With Rae, since the moment I first really looked at her I have had to consciously control myself, especially with how I approach her. I sense one more wrong move and she will be further from my reach. My charms don't seem to work on her and how she makes me feel leaves me feeling off balance. I don't know her, but I kind of think she might be too good for me. Finn Nelson fittest lad in college chasing someone who doesn't appear that interested in him, and out of his league. This is probably going to end badly, but I have to give it a shot. Go hard or go home, only way to live, and I am already in deeper than I should be, so I have to give it a good shot.

"Hi!" I say.

She looks up, I smile with a heavy dose of wariness. She stares at me, no smile just a look that says not again. Fuck, how am I going to get her to listen to me. With more self encouragement I remind myself that I am Finn Fucking Nelson girls like me. I stop myself from thinking about how much I want her to know me. I force myself to sit down next to her not because I don't want to but more because I don't think she wants me to. I am so nervous I am sure I will fall over in the process - that confident Finn wall I built years ago doesn't seem to exist when I am near her. It is funny that I never thought sitting next to someone would have me feel anything but next to Rae it feels warm. I smile at her again hoping for a reaction that says she is ok with me being here. Fuck it I want to be here, she is going to have to get used to it. I am not going anywhere.

She hesitates looking very confused by my presence. She removes her headphones. She moves away from me as much as she can and when she does that I rest myself against her side. I love the way it feels to be next to her.

"So I thought I'd give this another shot. I am Finn, and I now know you are Rae, so hiya Rae," I say looking at her hoping she gives me a hint of encouragement.

She is still staring at me. "I want you to know that I am truly sorry for what happened yesterday. I am seriously pissed off that she did that to you," I continue...

"Why are you here talking to me?" Rae asks. I smile, she talked back, she is going to talk to me. I nervously switch topics hoping that if I persist she will let me in just a little bit more. Maybe? Who knows, I can only give it a shot.

"Whatcha listening to?" I ask as I grab her walkman and put the headphones on. A bold and risky move, but just maybe ballsy fearless Finn is back even if he is faking it. She protests but as I press play Wonderwall starts. Nice, I think to myself, she likes music and not that girly arse bullshit that Stacey and her minions, or mindless plastic girls like Stacey call tunes. Real music. The mixed tape is just right for her I think. I do an inner victory dance. I lean back against the shelves, playing it cool, I close my eyes and smile, bobbing my head in time with the tunes. I feel she is looking at me and probably convinced I am a cheeky bugger, but hopefully she doesn't think I have pushed her too far. I can't resist I have to make sure she is looking at me. I open my eye just a little crack and she is watching me with a smile, her walls slowly coming down. I continue to smile and feel pretty pleased with myself, as well as warm inside and out due to the slightest of hope Rae is giving me.

Fuck her smile, its amazing. Her eyes light up, she really is beautiful and her lips, every time I see her my eyes are drawn to her lips. So wrong to think about her like this. It is so very obvious that she is unlikely to let me kiss her any time soon, if ever.

I open my eyes to look at her taking the headphones of and I hand them back to her. "Girl, you might have reasonable music taste, after all. However you are predictable" I tease. I am kicking myself I didn't bring the mixed tape for her. I could of given it to her, why didn't I think of that - I chastise myself internally.

I become serious very quickly, but it has to be said.

"Rae, you don't know me, but I hope you will try. I am nothing like what you think I am, to be honest, I have forgotten who I was or could be until yesterday' I say. Rae is looking at me, she isn't sure about me this I know. She is obviously uncomfortable as she starts to fuss over her stuff shoving it in her backpack. She picks herself up grabs her bag and takes off.

I walk after her and touch her arm. She doesn't pull away this time. "Rae please, I feel like I can talk to you, and I don't like talking to anyone" I plead. "Ok" she says, "but not here". She is so uncomfortable as others have looked up at us.

"Now? Where?" I ask eagerly.

"No idea?" she replied shrugging her shoulders, however her face has softened towards me. "Look Finn, I have no idea what you think we could talk about." She pauses "I'm..." I can see all her self doubt and concern. Her eyes are downcast again and it cuts me up inside. She doesn't know that she is beautiful, or how incredible she is. To be honest, neither do I, but I have a feeling about Rae and I need to find out, but before she could continue... I pull her back into the aisle. I lean in and touch her cheek and I whisper gently "Rae, you have to know you are full of light and warmth, just being near you makes me feel..." she pulls away and has walked off, almost running. I call out to her, forgetting we are in the library. It is futile, she doesn't stop, she doesn't look back. Whatever progress I have made has vanished with my stupidity. I have already said too much. I took it to far, I am so fucking impatient. I am pretty sure I have come across as some sort of stalker, it is evident the last thing I said, she didn't believe, and she couldn't allow herself to hear. I let her go.

Why did I have to fuck it up?

I am always fucking up stuff that matters to me.

I am kicking myself.