Mellifluous Murmurs

I Can't, I Couldn't

"I can't,

I couldn't! 

I must,

I mustn't!"

I wore my fluffy white wedding dress

about to take on a crowd and have a ring

shoved into my finger to summon out

an everlasting oath; a shared vow. 

My eyes were determined and bold 

with a line of charcoal black kohl 

defining each gold spec that twinkled

in my eyes. 

He was outside, waiting for me to trot don the aisle

to clasp my hand and call me his wife and for me 

to retort the two words, "I do." 

But I couldn't. 

My life couldn't be spent with this man 

although I have dreamt of this moment for a lifetime 

with absolute shame, yet so much wonder

my mind was of angst shadow 

and a twinkling misery.

I swiped on the dark red onto my lips 

and wiped it ever so adamantly onto my dwelling face 

of tears and rejection because I knew 

that I was lost. 

She came into my isolation 

and I screamed for dear life 

so loud that my ears rang continuously 

from the disgust plastered on her face. 

It wasn't my wedding day 

of where I'd engage my love with the man of my dreams 

and engulf our share in little children running amongst;

it was the time I contemplated my oath as a whole. 

I picked at my nude polished nails 

and soon realized that it was an everlasting habit 

that was once an act of craze and obsession

I didn't know what to do because all I had in mind was that 

I was lost. 

But that didn't stop me

 from reliving a nightmare

I married him anyway; 

and she was no where to be found 

as my eyes wandered towards the blinding day. 

A tear spilled from my pearl brown eye

because that choked my soul for eternity 

and I knew for sure that mistakes are of mentality

not personality.