Im Not a Monster

Chapter 41:Self hatred

Regret. Hatred. Betrayal.

That's all I feel. I feel so bad. I can't explain it. Everything felt wrong. And even worse my heart was melted.

I can't believe I just did what I did. But I had too do it. My hopes were up for nothing. Nothing.

I was in a car now,holding back tears. I had just came from the hospital,having the worst headache. I had a headache in my head and heart. I did the abortion. It was my only choice. It was either that or carrying Deceased child in my stomach. Either way it'd still need to be removed,so I agreed with my thoughts to get it over with. I dont want to live for a few months,feeling horrible that I carried something useless. Something that won't ever be a part of anything to my family or To me. And it was the baby.

I think I was the monster now.

I took a few breaths.
" Your Fine Margot. All the emotions are getting to you. I Just need to calm down. I'm over thinking everything...I'm Not A monster,I'm not a monster..." I said to myself,squeezing my eyes shut.

~*~*

I was very drowsy. Im guessing it was all the medicine wearing off. My emotions are like a sea saw at the moment. One minute I'm crying,Next I'm Okay,then I just start going nuts.

"I can't believe this." I mumbled,holding my stomach.

I slightly raised my arms and grab hair. My hands drop and I stare at my reflection through the window. I looked horrible like this.

The sad thing is,is that Jared had a 2 night show. He wouldn't be home for two fucking days. And that felt like forever to me.

A tear slowly streams down my cheek.

After laying on a hospital bed for a few days after surgery made me feel like jello. I didn't want to move. I just want to fall in a deep sleep forever.

"Oh god I can't do this no more." I sobbed.

My hands cupped my Face.

"Hey you alright back there?" The Taxi Driver asked.

"Yeah I'm fine. Just memories keep coming back."

"Awe I'm sorry about that. I wish I can help you. But seems like I kind of am. I'm takin you home! Haha."

I chuckle.
"Yeah that's enough help for me."

So this is how it's gonna be. Having to wear a mask. Having to wear my best fake smile. Showing people who I really aren't. I don't know if I be myself no more.

~*~*~*~*
Meanwhile I make it home. I walk in and throw my purse to..I don't even know where. I didn't care about anything at the moment. I just really missed J. And I have no one to comfort me,or to ask how Im really felling.

My goal was to just come home In a few months with a baby in my arms. A baby boy. that would be so nice. It would be a dream come true. But I'm not sure if it's going to happen. Nothing's Perfect. I didn't know and didn't want to know anything.

Everything just felt gross. Including me. I was already disgusted at myself. Disgusted by my choices and actions.

I try to tell myself nothing ever happened but I can't just believe in anything anymore. Not even Myself,which is the saddest Part.

(I'm sorry I had to let you guys down with this chapter:( but it was already planed,I'm so sorry!)