But Who Would You Live For?

My Taste In Music

Jenna:

The room was all dark except the lights from the standing stereo. I'd convinced Tyler to buy it strictly because I loved the lights that flashed on and off as the music played. It made me feel like I was in some sort of disco. And not the kind you'd panic at.

I was standing in the middle of the couch. Bouncing up and down slightly to the beat of the music blaring from my surround sound. I held my hair brush tightly in my right hand. It was going to be my make shift microphone for the night.

"Not any more. Flesh out the door. SWAT!"

I screamed the lyrics at the top of my lungs. Hopefully the neighbors wouldn't come over to complain. And even if they did, my music would be too loud to hear them at the door. So Ha!

"I must've forgot, you can't trust me." I slapped my hand on my chest when I said it. The same way I'd seen Tyler do it during countless shows. "I'm open a moment. And close but don't show it. Before you know it, I'm lost at sea."

I always got so hyper active when I rapped this song. I jumped around from one end of the couch to the other. Performing for no one but my stuffed animal and the captain on the front of the dry cereal box I had for lunch. I understood why Tyler always came home high off an adrenaline rush.

Or maybe I wasn't seeing it from Tyler's point of view at all. These weren't my songs. I didn't spend hours or even days or weeks obsessing over getting every lyric to sound right. While at the same time, making sure they still held the messages as to what I was feeling. No, I hadn't done that at all.

I was seeing things from the fan's point of view. Because even though I couldn't relate to everything that Tyler sung in every one of his songs, I could relate to some. His lyrics helped you feel like you weren't alone anymore. You had to scream them when you heard them. Because then you could look around and see who else was screaming them. See who else had gone through your pain. You could connect. And even the lyrics that you didn't relate to, you had to scream those to. Just in case no one else did. Just in case there was one person in the crowd too afraid to. You had to show them that they weren't alone either.

Gosh, that was way too deep to be going into on a Saturday afternoon. I jumped off the couch and laughed at myself. I aways got so into my own head when Tyler was gone. He was one of my only friends. He was my favorite person to talk to. I couldn't say the things I've said to Tyler, to other people. So I held it in until I saw him again. Sometimes that would be weeks or even months. By then the thoughts would be completely consuming me.

Sheesh, that was dark too. Maybe I should start rapping for twenty one pilots.

I walked over to my cereal box on the floor and lifted it up. I'd eat a real meal for dinner. But for now, I was going to destroy this dry cereal. As I was eating, I heard my favorite part coming up in the song. I tried to quickly chew and swallow my food before it arrived but I failed. Oh well.

"Tie a noose around your mind. Loose enough to breathe fine and tie it! To a tree tell it you belong to me. This ain't a noose, this is a leash. And I have news for you. YOU MUST OBEY ME!"

I yelled the final sentence. Traces of the chewed up cereal escaped my mouth and fell to the floor at my feet. My free hand reached up to keep the rest from making the same mess as I giggled uncontrollably at myself.

My music suddenly stopped playing. I rushed over to my phone sitting on the table to make sure it didn't die- as Apple devices loved to do. The familiar incoming call tune filled the room. I disconnected the Bluetooth and glanced down at the number. Hoping it was going to be Tyler calling to tell me about the show. It wasn't. It was a number that wasn't on my contact list. I swallowed the remaining food in my mouth and answered.

"Hello, this is Jenna Joseph."

"Jenna." Josh's frantic voice responded.

"Josh? What's wrong? Are you okay? Why aren't you calling me from your phone? Did you lose it at the concert?"

"Jenna no." His voice cracked. My heart rate sped up. "I-this is the hospital's phone."

"Hospital?" Forget speeding up. Now I could feel my heart sinking to my stomach. "Josh, are you okay? What's wrong?"

"Jenna, it's not me."

He didn't say anything else. I stared at the phone in my hand. Confusion blending in with the fear I was already feeling. Trust me, that's a terrible mixture to have going. Like peanut butter and eggs.

"What do you mean it's not-" I didn't need to finish. Because it clicked. It finally clicked. "Josh, where's Tyler?"

"Jenna-"

"Josh, what happened to Tyler? Where is he? I need to speak to him. Now!"

As I was losing my mind on the phone, I was walking towards my front door. I was dressed in pink penguin pajamas and fluffy house slippers but I didn't care. At least I wasn't naked. I grabbed my car keys from the hook and walked out. Slamming, but not locking, the door behind me.

"You can't speak to him."

"Why!?"

"He fell, Jenna. He was climbing and he fell."

"What do you mean he fell?"

"What do you think I mean?" Josh snapped. I'd never heard him like that before. "There's only so many ways you can interpret those words. And I'm calling you from a hospital. Use your context clues, Jenna!"

"What hospital?" I asked briskly. He spoke the name of the hospital in a softer voice. "Fine. Thanks. Bye."

"Jenna, wait!"

"What?"

"I'm so sorry for the way I just spoke to you. Tyler fell and he's not awake and I'm scared and I need him to wake up, Jenna. I need him to."

"You and me both, Josh." I whispered, slipping into the seat of my car. "You and me both."