But Who Would You Live For?

Demons Yelling

Tyler:

Nothing was right. Everything was wrong. Everything was wrong and nothing was right. I don't know what happened. Things were going so great but then they weren't. And now I was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor. Wishing I was in hell. Because hell had to be easier than dealing with what was going on in my head right now.

All three of my roommates were gone. That wasn't good. I wasn't good when I was all by myself in this state. I was afraid. But there was no one to be afraid of but myself. So I was afraid of myself? How mental was that?

A part of me was glad that no one was around to see this breakdown. Then they'd know that I wasn't as happy as I seemed. Then I wouldn't be able to fool them with the simple smile. I'd rather go through this alone than have my roommates silently wishing they weren't my roommates. Have them looking over their shoulders every ten minutes to make sure the maniac Tyler wasn't coming at them.

YOU DON'T THINK THEY DO THAT NOW?

There he was. Hello, my old friend. It's been months since you've made an appearance. I should have known it would be happening sooner or later. I wish I'd known.

I wish Josh was here. He always talked me up from these dirt moments. Josh's sweet whispers somehow managed to be louder than the voice screaming in my head. He's been the angel on my shoulder when the devil was in my head. And they'd fight. Fight to see which one of them would consume my emotional state. Josh. Josh always won. Ever since that first Sunday morning I'd texted him. Josh defeated the blurred evils inside of me by just touching me. Talking to me. Being there.

His words would clash with the words of the voice in my head. It was like a sword fight of sorts. Evil taking the first shot. A swing and a miss. A swing and a miss. A swing and a miss. And then Josh would finally get his swing. And he'd destroy him. Swift and clean. And he'd be gone. For months at a time.

Josh was my sanity. He was gone. I couldn't remember where he'd said he was going today. I texted him. I texted Josh that I needed him and he didn't text me back. That was a first.

HE'S TIRED OF CATERING TO YOUR FUCKING EVERY NEED. HE HAS A LIFE OF HIS OWN!

"I know that!" I yelled. I didn't mean to yell. I shouldn't. That would upset him.

I did know that. I knew Josh had his own life. It was just that his own life and my own life usually intertwined into our own lives. I didn't expect him to drop whatever he was doing and cater to my every need. I just expected a text back.

MAYBE IF YOU WERE IMPORTANT HE WOULD TEXT BACK.

"Shut up!"

LEAVE JOSH ALONE! YOU'RE RUINING HIS LIFE! LET HIM HANG OUT WITH HIS NORMAL FRIENDS.

"I am normal."

LOOK WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO? HOW NORMAL IS THAT?

"Shut up!" I squeezed my knees to my chest. Trying to make myself as small as possible. "Please just leave me alone."

PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. CAN YOU GET ANYMORE PATHETIC? COULD YOU BE ANY MORE USELESS?

"Shut up."

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN HERE FOR? WHAT'S YOUR PURPOSE? WHY ARE YOU ALIVE?

"My purpose is to write beautiful songs. Songs that help others find their purpose. My purpose is to help people." I recited the words Josh whispered to me before.